As promised, today I’ll answer your questions in the next ‘Fake Trump Press Conference!’ But first I have to present the REAL answers from the REAL Trump press conference – in what can only be described as ‘A Rough Guide to Mental Illness.’ As I’ve said before: in America we didn’t get the first female president. But we did get the first clearly mentally ill president. In fact watching a Donald Trump press conference is like a categorical display of any number of mental illnesses. And so – as a public service – I’ll now read some actual Trump quotes, in a segment I call:
Thank you for your question. I know you just complimented me on not being anti-semitic. But “Quiet quiet quiet! You see, he lied. I hate the charge. I find it repulsive. I hate even the question. Okay folks, Number One, I am the least anti-semitic person you’ve ever met in your entire life. Number 2: racism. The least racist. So you should take that instead of getting up and asking a very insulting question like that. Just shows you, it just shows you about the press. But that’s the way the press is. I guess. That’s just the way it’s going to be. Okay.” “Next, I would like to answer your foreign policy question on Israel by saying… Well I just want to say that we are very honored by the victory that we had. 306 electoral college votes. We weren’t supposed to get the 220. You know that, right? There was no way to 221. But then they said there’s no way to 270. And there’s tremendous enthusiasm out there for me and for this presidency.” “And for the inauguration, I turn on one of the networks, and they show an empty field. And I’m like ‘wait a minute…’ I made a speech. I looked out, the field was… it looked like, what, a million? A million and a half people.” “…Biggest inauguration crowd ever, period.” “And then you accuse me of saying that climate change is a hoax invented by the Chinese to hurt the American economy. I never said that! I tweeted that, but then I deleted the tweet. So technically, I never said it. And the rain at my inauguration – you know, after I put my hand on the Bible – (the two Bibles actually, you check). And I started my speech, and I felt a few drops of rain. I thought ‘oh no, here we go.. we’ll just have to power through.’ But then the rain, it stopped. It was like a miracle. It’s like God looked down and said ‘No we’re not going to let it rain on this big speech.’ and yea and varily, did I put my hand out and the water did part like the Red Sea. Because I am not a very religious man, but I do have an enormous Messiah Complex.”
Okay, I will now take your questions, dear viewers.
What a heartless question. You must have so much hate in your heart… nasty, nasty woman. My wife and my child okay, They are all alone in New York City, where my son is finishing his school year according to the wishes of his mother, and I respect that. So obviously the first chance I got to take a weekend off I jumped in my plane… and I played golf in Florida. OK? It’s obvious. What would you do? Next question
Yes! Yes I guarantee there’s no problem in the finger department. You know very big, very… and in fact anyone can reach the button. For example, if you’re dining at my beautiful restaurant – Mar-a-lago, beautiful – you can reach right over, while you’re giving yourself a selfie with the nuclear football guy. And you can just give the button a little tickle. I’ll be back to take more of your questions in Part 2 of this press conference! In the meantime, if you have more questions for the Fake Trump, write them in the comments below. [Sarah Palin-style wink]