Stephen Rents The ‘Trump Pee Pee Tape’ Hotel Room For A Night


>>Stephen: HEY!
WELCOME BACK.
GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE AND
“STAY HUMAN” RIGHT THERE!
GIVE IT UP!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OH, MY GOSH!
JON, MY FRIEND, IT HAS BEEN AN
AMAZING WEEK.
>>Jon: YEAH.
>>Stephen: WE’RE HAVING AN
AMAZING WEEK, THE “RUSSIA WEEK”
HERE.
THIS MIGHT BE MY FAVORITE NIGHT
TO HAVE THE ENTIRE RUSSIA WEEK
BECAUSE THIS NIGHT IS WHY I
WENT.
THE PIECE WE’RE SHOWING TONIGHT
IS THE REASON WE WENT.
I WAS SAYING TO CHRIS, MY
PRODUCER, AND HE SAID, YOU WANT
TO BE GOING TO RUSSIA?
I SAID NOBODY’S GOING TO BE
TALKING ABOUT THAT, I’M A DUMMY.
THE BIG PART OF THE INTERVIEW
THEY DID WITH TRUMP FOCUSED ON
THE DOSSIER.
BACK IN JANUARY, TEN DAYS BEFORE
TRUMP WAS INAUGURATED, A
DOCUMENT WAS LEAKED CONTAINING
ALLEGATIONS THAT TRUMP HAS DEEP
FINANCIAL TIES TO RUSSIA, THAT
HIS CAMPAIGN WAS BEING SUPPORTED
BY THE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT, AND
THAT THE RUSSIANS HAD A
COMPROMISING VIDEO OF DONALD
TRUMP WATCHING PROSTITUTES
URINATE ON A BED IN THE MOSCOW
RITZ CARLTON PRESIDENTIAL SUITE.
IT WAS A BOMBSHELL, AND WHEN
FORMER F.B.I. DIRECTOR JAMES
COMEY INFORMED THE PRESIDENT
ABOUT IT, TRUMP WASN’T HAPPY.
HE TOLD THE “TIMES,”
“WHEN HE BROUGHT IT TO ME, I
SAID THIS IS REALLY MADE-UP
JUNK.
I JUST THOUGHT ABOUT, MAN, THIS
IS SUCH A PHONY DEAL.”
AND REMEMBER, AS THE FOUNDER OF
TRUMP UNIVERSITY, HE’S AN EXPERT
ON PHONY DEALS.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF )
TRUMP CLAIMED HE CAN PROVE IT’S
BOGUS BECAUSE “I HAVE WITNESSES.
YOU KNOW, I WENT THERE WITH
PHIL RUFFIN.”
NOW, I THOUGHT PHIL RUFFIN WAS
THE ARCH NEMESIS OF MCGRUFF THE
CRIME DOG.
“I’LL GET YOU, RUFFIN!”
( LAUGHTER )
BUT IT TURNS OUT, HE’S A CASINO
OWNER FRIEND OF TRUMP’S.
LET’S TAKE A LOOK AT THIS
UPSTANDING CHARACTER WITNESS
THEY CALL PHIL RUFFIN– OH, THEY
TOTALLY DID IT.
YEAH.
YEAH, THEY DID IT.
NOW, THE WILDEST ACCUSATIONS IN
THAT DOSSIER HAVE NEVER BEEN
CONFIRMED.
BUT AS FAR AS I KNOW, NOBODY HAS
TRIED.
HERE’S THE REASON WHY.
THE MEDIA SAID IT’S TOO
SALACIOUS FOR US TO LOOK INTO.
BUT IT’S THE ONLY PART WE CARE
ABOUT OR TALK ABOUT, THE
PEE PEE TAPE!
PEE PEE TAPE!
PEE PEE TAPE!
PEE PEE TAPE!
THERE WAS ONE MAN BRAVE ENOUGH
TO GO TO MOSCOW AND CHECK IT
OUT.
HE HAS TWO THUMBS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
JIM?
>>STEPHEN: MOSCOW.
THE HEART OF MOTHER RUSSIA.
THE SOURCE OF THE GREATEST
POLITICAL TURMOIL TO AFFLICT THE
HIGHEST ECHELONS OF THE UNITED
STATES GOVERNMENT IN A
GENERATION.
I WENT TO THE RUSSIAN BEAR’S DEN
MYSELF TO ASK THE QUESTION THAT
OTHERS WERE AFRAID TO —
DO YOU HAVE THE PEE PEE TAPE?
DO YOU HAVE THE PEE PEE TAPE?
I’LL ALSO TAKE THE PEE-PEE TAPE,
I WOULD LIKE THE
THE PEE PEE TAPE?
THE PEE PEE TAPE?
THE PEE PEE TAPE?
FOR SOME REASON, ASKING RANDOM
PEOPLE FOR THE PEE PEE TAPE
WASN’T WORKING.
SO I MET WITH RUSSIAN
SURVEILLANCE EXPERT ANDREI
SOLDATOV.
A JOURNALIST CRITICAL OF THE
KREMLIN’S SURVEILLANCE TACTICS,
ANDREI HAS BEEN INTERROGATED BY
THE F.S.B. FOUR TIMES!
I MET HIM AT AN UNDISCLOSED
MOSCOW HOTEL.
HELLO, ANDREI.
>>HELLO, STEPHEN.
>>STEPHEN: JUST IN CASE WE’R
— I KNOW YOU DON’T HAVE THE
ANSWER TO THESE QUESTIONS BUT DO
YOU THINK THE RUSSIANS HAVE
CMOPROMOT ON DONALD TRUMP?
>>I DON’T KNOW.
HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE PEEPEE
TAPE?
>>YES.
>>Stephen: WHAT HAVE YOU
HEARD?
>>THERE WAS SOMETHING
EMBARRASSING ABOUT DONALD TRUMP
BUT NO DETAILS.
>>Stephen: NO DETAILS?
WELL, SOME DETAILS.
>>Stephen: LIKE WHAT?
LIKE SOMETHING ABOUT SHOWER
>>STEPHEN: YES.
A TYPE OF SHOWER.
A TYPE OF SHOWER.
IS– DID THE SHOWER HAVE A
PARTICULAR COLOR?
>>YEAH, I THINK SO.
>>STEPHEN: COULD YOU NAME THE
COLOR?
WHAT COLOR WAS THE SHOWER?
>>SOMETHING ABOUT GOLD, OR
YELLOW.
>>STEPHEN: YEP, GOLD.
AND– WHO MIGHT HAVE PROVIDED
THAT?
WAS IT FROM A FAUCET?
OR WAS IT– WHO MIGHT HAVE
PROVIDED THE SHOWER?
>>SOME GIRLS, MAYBE?
>>STEPHEN: SOME GIRLS?
JUST, LIKE, SOME FRIENDS?
LIKE, SOME P– JUST STOPPED BY
FOR FUN?
>>WELL, I DO NOT HAVE THESE
KIND OF DETAILS.
>>STEPHEN: YOU DON’T HAVE THESE
DE– DETAILS.
OKAY.
WELL, IN THE UNITED STATES, IT
WAS REPORTED THAT WHEN DONALD
TRUMP WAS STAYING AT THE
RITZ-CARLTON, HE STAYED IN THE
PRESIDENTIAL SUITE, WHICH I
BELIEVE IS ROOM 1101, AND THAT
HE HIRED TWO PROSTITUTES TO PEE
IN THE BED BECAUSE THIS ROOM HAD
ALSO BEEN OCCUPIED BY BARACK AND
MICHELLE OBAMA, AND IT WAS A
FORM OF INSULT TO THEM TO HAVE
THESE WOMEN COME DO THAT ON THE
BED.
DID YOU GUYS HEAR THOSE DETAILS
OVER HERE?
>>YES.
>>Stephen: THE IDEA IS THAT
THERE WERE SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS
IN THIS ROOM BECAUSE THE
BUILDING IS WIRED AND THAT THE
F.S.B. HAS THIS BECAUSE THEY
AUTOMATICALLY HAVE CAMERAS IN
THE ROOM AND THEY CAUGHT THIS
HAPPENING.
>>WELL, THAT MAKES SENSE.
>>STEPHEN: DOES MAKE SENSE?
>>OKAY.
>>STEPHEN: NO ONE FROM AMERICA
HAS GONE TO– TO SEE WHAT THAT
ROOM IS LIKE OR TO TRY TO VERIFY
THAT STORY IN ANY WAY.
WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE TO DO TO–
TO GET ACCESS TO THAT ROOM?
>>MAYBE TO CHECK INTO THE
HOTEL?
>>STEPHEN: THAT SEEMS
EXTRAORDINARILY COMPLICATED.
BUT WE DID IT.
IT’S TRUE, ROOM 1101.
THE PRESIDENTIAL SUITE OF THE
RITZ CARLTON.
WE RENTED IT.
HERE’S THE KEY.
LET’S GO!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE GLAMEROUS RITZ CARLTON
PRESIDENTIAL SUITE.
CHAMPAGNE DREAMS AND PEE PEE
WISHES.
TEN GLORIOUS ROOMS, FILLED WITH
GRAND PIANOS AND CLOSETS SO BIG
YOU COULD HIDE A CORPSE.
IT HAS ALL THE MODERN AMENITIES.
BUT OF COURSE, THERE IS ONLY ONE
REASON TO RENT THIS SUITE.
HELLO.
JOIN ME, WON’T YOU?
IN THE BEDROOM OF THE
PRESIDENTIAL SUITE OF THE RITZ
CARLTON IN MOSCOW.
THE ROOM WE HAVE HEARD SO MUCH
ABOUT, AND YET NO ONE HAS COME
TO CHECK IT OUT AND I DON’T KNOW
WHY.
WHEN YOU ARE IN THIS ROOM, I
JUST DON’T KNOW HOW TO DESCRIBE
IT– YOU ARE SOAKED IN HISTORY.
( LAUGHTER )
IT WASHES OVER YOU.
( LAUGHTER )
IT’S NOT EVEN LIKE IT’S IN THE
PAST– URINE IN HISTORY.
( LAUGHTER )
URINE IT, YOU KNOW WHAT I AM
SAYING?
I AM SAYING THAT THE PEE PEE
TAPE SUPPOSEDLY TOOK PLACE ON
THAT BED, IS WHAT I AM SAYING.
THE DOSSIER ALLEGES THAT DONALD
TRUMP WAS IN THIS ROOM.
WE DON’T KNOW WHERE HE SAT.
IT COULD HAVE BEEN ON THIS BENCH
DOWN HERE, THOUGH I DOUBT IT
BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT YOU’D CALL
THE SPLASH ZONE.
YOU ARE GOING TO WANT TO WEAR A
PONCHO.
COULD HAVE BEEN ON THE COUCH,
OVER THERE.
BUT WHAT WOULD THAT LOOK LIKE?
JOIN US, WHEN MY INVESTIGATIVE
JOURNALISM CONTINUES.
>>STEPHEN: PEE PEE TAPE.
PEE PEE TAPE.
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU HAVE IMAGINED
SOMETHING FOR SO LONG, THAT WHEN
YOU FINALLY SEE IT, IT DOESN’T
MATCH WHAT YOU PICTURED?
THAT’S NOT THIS FEELING AT ALL!
( LAUGHTER )
THIS IS RIGHT ON THE MONEY.
HOLY COW.
THAT’S THE KREMLIN, RIGHT THERE!
THEY WOULDN’T EVEN NEED CAMERAS
IN THIS ROOM– PUTIN COULD WATCH
WITH BINOCULARS.
WITH MY INITIAL SURVEY COMPLETE,
ANDREI REJOINED THE
INVESTIGATION.
BECAUSE THE PRESIDENTIAL SUITE
IS KNOWN TO BE UNDER
SURVEILLANCE, WE SWEPT THE ROOM
FOR CAMERAS AND LISTENING
DEVICES.
THEY COULD BE ANYWHERE, EVEN THE
POTTERY.
IS THERE ANY WAY OF KNOWING IF
THERE’S LISTENING DEVICES IN
HERE?
>>WELL, FOR THAT YOU NEED
SPECIAL EQUIPMENT.
>>Stephen: OR YOU COULD BREAK
IT OPEN?
>>THAT’S ALSO AN OPTION.
>>Stephen: YEAH.
OBVIOUSLY.
>>Stephen: YEAH, THERE’S KNOT
IN THERE.
( PHONE RINGING )
>>Stephen: HELLO?
(INAUDIBLE).
>>Stephen: THERE IS AN
EMERGENCY BUTTON IN MY ROOM?
>>(INAUDIBLE).
>>Stephen: NO, EVERYTHING IS
GREAT.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU FOR CHECKING.
YEAH, THEY’RE ON TO US.
YEAH.
THA
THAT WAS ANDREI’S CUE TO LEAVE.
BUT I WASN’T DONE.
SO, WHO KNOWS WHAT REALLY
HAPPENED IN THIS ROOM?
SCIENCE DOES, AND TONIGHT,
SCIENCE IS ON YOUR SIDE.
HIT THE LIGHTS.
( CHEERING )
LET’S INVESTIGATE.
I WANT TO THANK ACTION NEWS TEAM
CHANNEL 53 FOR LENDING ME THEIR
BLACK LIGHT.
OKAY, I’M GOING IN.
THIS PILLOW LOOKS CLEAN.
THAT CHECKS OUT, NO EVIDENCE
THERE.
OH, I GOT SOMETHING.
“FAKE NEWS, NEVER HAPPENED, SAD.
SADDER STILL, I’D COME 5,000
MILES TO FIND THE PEE PEE TAPE,
AND WAS LEAVING WITH NO PROOF
THAT DONALD TRUMP WAS EVER HERE.
WORST OF ALL, THIS ROOM WAS
EXTREMELY EXPENSIVE SO THIS IS
WHERE I’M STAYING TONIGHT.
GUYS, YOU CAN GO.
WOULD YOU MIND KILLING THE
LIGHTS ON YOUR WAY OUT?
AHHH!
( SNORING )
DO YOU MIND?
>>SORRY, STEPHEN, MY BAD.
NIGHT NIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>STEPHEN: THANK YOU, RITZ
CARLTON, AND SORRY ABOUT THIS.
JOIN ME TOMORROW FOR THE
EXCITING CONCLUSION OF RUSSIA
WEEK.
BECAUSE UNLIKE THE RUSSIA
SCANDALS, THIS WEEK WILL
EVENTUALLY BE OVER.
WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JASON
BATEMAN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )

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