Welcome to the U. I would love so much
to help you today. I’m checking in. That would be
my great pleasure. May I offer you a kumquat
and elderflower julep? Yeah.
Thank you. No, thankyou,
really. This is a lot nicer than
the hotels I usually stay at. I’m just in town for work
for the night. Oh, I’m so happy you felt
comfortable enough to share that with me. What name would
the reservation be under? Amy Schumer. Of course.
Perfect. My parents
almost named me Amy, but I didn’t deserve it. (gasps) You picked
a great weekend to be here. Willow Nolte is guest dee-jaying
in the lobby tonight. Nick Nolte’s stepdaughter. Wow. Here’s your room key. Check-out is at 11:00, and now I’ll show you
to your room. You’re an angel
and it’s my great honor to breathe the same air
as you. Now, this is Soak,
our pool experience. Over here, we have Splay,
our lounge area. Oh, no. Oh, I would have
had more of that. And right here is Soar, which will take us
to your room. Oh, I love your shoes. Everything about you
is just so on point. Thank you. I love rolling
this bag around. ‘Cause it’s yours. Welcome home. This is huge. You could fit
three people in here. This is too fancy
for me. No, don’t say that.
No. This is all about you. You deserve this. You make Kate Middleton look
like a mental patient (bleep) herself
in a rusty wheelchair. Right this way. All of our water is pumped in
from virginal koi ponds where two beautiful
swans are making love for the first time. Our ceramic sustainable
infinity toilet has an orgasm
every time you flush. (toilet)
Oh, yes! I never have to fake it
with you, Amy. You look radiant. Take a look at yourself
in the mirror. See what I see. Wait, why is it– Why aren’tyou
in the mirror? Oh, it doesn’t reflect
the staff. We’re nothing.
I’m (bleep). Look at me running my mouth off
like a stupid dumb bitch. Anyway,
you must be exhausted. I’ll leave you alone. Okay. ♪ (sighs) Hello, angel.
Oh, my God. Can I tuck you in? Uh, you don’t have to– Oh, I want to. Oh. Now, would you like
to be awakened by a soft kiss on the cheek or
a stranger going down on you? Oh,
I don’t kn– know. I guess the latter? Okay, we can just feel it
out in the moment then. Is there anything else
I can do for you? Anything? Um, well, I hate to ask, but I usually sleep with
a white noise machine– Shh… I really prefer– Whale noises? That’s my specialty. (imitates whale) We have standards, guys.
What do we serve stuff in? Glassware, correct? Wouldn’t it be better
No red cups, come on! (knock on door) (woman)
Housekeeping. I’ll be out
in a minute! Chop, chop! (man on TV)
So what’s going on
in the bar right now? Are they out of glassware? (sighs)
Good morning. Late check-out? Is it? It’s after 11:00. I’m going to have to
charge you for another day. It’s like five after. Should I just leave that
all on the Visa? It’s me. All on the Visa,
ma’am? Yeah, I guess– This woman is no longer
a guest at the hotel. She’s done.
She’s done talking to you. This way, ma’am.
She’s done. Oh, no, no, I think she
just didn’t recognize me. Wait, let me just… Hi, I’m checking in. Ooh, I love
that scarf. Is that Egyptian silk? Everything about you
is just so on point. Wait, it’s me!