HomeArticlesHEY BABY! HEEEEY BABY!!! | Cards Against Humanity
HEY BABY! HEEEEY BABY!!! | Cards Against Humanity
October 8, 2019
M: Hello everybody, my name is Markiplier and welcome back to Cards Against Humanity. I’m joined by Ethan and Ty-lor T: Hi E: That’s right. We’re here!
M: Yes, they are. Introduce yourselves. E: Hi, I’m Ethan.
T: I’m Ty-lor, the lord of the Ty’s. E: (softly, dejected) I’m not lord of anything. I’m just lil’ old me. 🙁 M: That’s okay. Someday, you’ll be a big boy-
M: –and you’ll be able to… M: (mumbles) I donno. E: (chuckles) Yeah, once puberty hits. (laughter ensues) E: Can’t wait. M: Seems to be hitting you pretty hard right now, I don’t know (giggle) what you’re talking about. M: Anyway! So we’re going to play Cards Against Humanity M: And uh… M: What we’re going to do here is nothing special. There’s nothing to this. We’re not special. Nothing here is special. M: And we’re going to play regular ol’ Cards Against Humanity. So who’s ready? E: I’m ready!
T: Iiiii’m ready. M: Everyone deal yourself seven? E: I think so.
T: I think that’s right.
E: Yeah. M: Seven? I don’t know. M: Nooo.
T: Whaaat? M: What did sh–? Nooo. N-not straight in a row. M: Y-you dole it out!
T: Okay– okay!
M: I said– we can do this! M: Just put it back on there, then /you/ take.
E: Yeah. M: Then /I/ take, then /you/, the- then /you/, then /me/. Boop Bop. All: Five M: Six E: Six. seven M: Wait. Is it seven? M: I can’t remember…
E: Uh, maybe. I don’t know.
T: It might be ten. T: Well, I think it varies based on the amount of people you’re playing – M: Right.
E: We’ll go with seven.
T: That sounds right. M: Also. I want to mention, if anyone’s noticing the grime residue on this particular table– This isn’t the table that Tyler smashed with a sledgehammer, nor is it the table that I crashed into many times, but uh (those tables were rectangular) (Pats table affectionately) This bad boy–
E: Pancakes M: Yeah, Pancakes.
All: (Giggle) M: You can still see like the crust- oh man that has turned into something.
T: Oh yeah, it- it stunk. M: Is it- a-any of this black mold that could kill us dead?
T: I don’t think so
E: Ooh, that be fun-That’d be a fun video M: Right before the tour (giggles). So anyway if you don’t know how Cards Against Humanity goes, it’s– (babbling in Markish) Ahghnyanya Owmnyanya Awbuabuabuhbuh AuhboOOAAOh AhnyanyanyanyanyanyanyanyaNOOOOOOOOO Uhbahbah [end poem] T: You’re making me want to, like, learn how to gleek M: You’re- inter- T: -to gleek so I can gleek into this.
M: Y- You love to use the word “gleek!” E: Have you ever thought about writing poetry?
M: I have. Many times. [All] ROCK. PAPER. SCISSORS. SHOOT! Ethan: PAH M: Always me! Always me.
T: NO! T: I was rock, you were paper–
M: Oh wait, no you’re right
T: This is a tie! This is- M: Yeah, see? This never works! It never works! M: What happened? E: Uh, you won.
M: Did I? E: Totally
M: Did I? Di-did I?! T: I don’t know, we did the same thing last time.
E: Let’s just get into it.
M: We’ll do it again [All] Rock, Paper, Scissors, SHOOT E: Pow, pow! I go first! M: Okay, there we go.
E: All right! E: “During high school never really fit in until I found [blank] club.” E: Were you guys in any clubs in school? M: I wish. I wish I was.
T: Annnnnd Rando! M: Yeah, Rando, yeah. E: I did theater and improoovvvv. M: Oh, I wish we had Improv Club. E: yeah M: That would’ve been the greatest thing I know we had it at UC, but I never even thought of doing improv at the time even though I loved “Whose Line?” Anyway you’re good to go. (Laughter) E: “During high school, I never really fit in until I found ‘fisting’ Club!” “During high school, I never really fit in until I found ‘Total Fucking Chaos’ Club”. M: That sounds awesome!
T: (Laughs) E: “During high school, I never really fit in until I found ‘Getting Hilariously Gangbanged by the Blue Man Group’ Club.” E: I really like ‘Total Fucking Chaos’ Club a lot because- that’s not my final decision- But I just imagine kids just, like, in class- M: Yeah! E: just, like, pushing people over, like, taking like Axe body spray and making, like, the flame throwers. M: (Laughs) Yeah! It’s you with your half shaved bald head, like COME HERE! (All laughing) T: BURN! E: I’m gonna go with Total Fucking Chaos Club. Is that Rando? All: Fuck! E: Who was who? M: I was “fisting.”
T: I was “Blue Man.” I was hoping you were gonna catch on with the, uh, the blue haired/blue man. M: It wasn’t the hilarious gangbanging?
T: No! T: No, it was that- that’s how he got the blue hair. M: Ohhh. [Ewwwww] (mutters) alright…. M: “The Five Stages of Grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, [Blank], Acceptance.” T: You’re good.
M: Okay, all right, so we got “The Five sta–
E: Shuffled ’em around a little bit. M: (Indignant) I didn’t see. “The Five Stages of Grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining… ‘Slowly easing (dissolves into laughter) down onto a cucumber…’ (They all laugh) E: And then Acceptance
T: Then Acceptance M: “Denial, Anger, Bargaining… ‘Figuring out how to have sex with a dolphin’… acceptance”. “Denial, Anger, Bargaining… ‘Unsheathing my massive horse cock’… I gotta go to with ‘cucumber’.
E: Yeah! (Mark laughs)
T: Well played. Well played. M: I just– the- the visual of it. E: Just like, squatting there, just (sighs deeply) M: Well, cuz you know there has to be an elaborate cucumber stand Cuz that’s- is the- it’s gonna fall over, you know. You had to lube it up, you know, it’s not gonna go for that.
E: It’s an afternoon of activities. (Mark laughs) M: It’s an Insanity workout, Sean T. pops in like, (They laugh loudly) “Tighten your core!” T: “Now relax, squeeze, relax.” E: All right, Tyler you’re up! “Hey baby, come back to my place, and I’ll show you [blank].” T: What- what am I showing this baby? E: Well, I don’t think it’s an actual baby, like an infant (Tyler giggles) M: Might be a baby.
T: It COULD be a baby M: Heeey, bab- Hey, babe- HEY BABY!
T: Hey, baby. Come back to my place, I got to show you this…thing.
M: Baby! Come on! (Quietly) B-Baby. Baby’s not listening to me… T: “Hey baby, come back to my place, and I’ll show you my ‘pre-teens’.” I’ll SHOW you pre-teens, they’re not MINE, I don’t own them, I’m just showin’ you pre-teens! Phew! M: Is there an assortment in your closet? T: Oh, that’s like super creepy!
M: It’s like a tie rack, you push a button (Mark imitates motor) (Tyler laughs) “This is Stacy!” (Dissolves into laughter) T: Uhh, “I’ll show you ‘peeing into a girl’s butt to make a baby’.” E: This is how you were made, baby.
T: I’m showin’ you how to do it, baby. E: This is the birds and the bees talk.
T: And then the other one is ‘a horse with no legs’ [The sound of Mark’s animal-loving heart breaking a little] M: (Solemnly) That’s sad. T: This isn’t my final decision but-
E: It just lies there until it dies.
T: -without the description, this is- this is the funnier one. I just think this is funny because I said baby to begin with…
M: Okay, cool. E: Is that you?
M: Yeah, that was me.
E: Okay, cool. I was the ‘horse with no legs’. Cuz I think that’s a funny picture! M: That’s funny to you!?
E: Yeah M: The horse-worm? T: That’s like- it’s gonna die! E: Just like, what if– what if someone was like “hey-“ “I got something to show you” and they just draw back a curtain and it’s just a fucking horse with no legs. M: That’s so saaaad! E: It’s just sitting there on its side slowly chewing on the hay. M: Noooo! (Overlapping laughing and talking) E: Of course it’s on its side! M: Okay, here to fix the visual, I imagine it is somehow on a custom-made saddle on another horse (They all laugh)
M: It’s like a double-decker horse! E: It’s a horse with no legs and it’s in one of those, like, baby bouncy things. (They groan and laugh)
T: That’s adorable “Everybody join hands and close your eyes, do you sense that? That’s the presence of [blank] in this room” “Everybody join hands and close your eyes, do you sense that? That’s the presence of ‘Deez Nutz’ in this roooom!” “That’s the presence of ‘crying and [through laughter] shitting and eating spaghetti’ in this room!” “That’s the presence of ‘lots and lots of abortions’.” (They all break down laughing) E: It’s just the ghost of- of dozens of unborn babies! M: Babies, BABIES! E: I really like how specific ‘crying and shitting and eating spaghetti’ is It’s really funny. I’m gonna go with ‘lots and lots of abortions’.
T: Thank you. (They all laugh) M: Don’t worry guys, just imagine that they’re legless babies, riding on top of other babies.
T: Oh my God! M: Fixed it, fixed it for you M: “Listen, son, if you want to get involved with [blank], I won’t stop you Just steer clear of [blank].” “Listen, son, if you want to get involved with ‘an inability to form meaningful relationships,’ I won’t stop you. Just steer clear of… ‘Two whales fucking the shit out of each other’.” M: *perplexed* T: Okay…
M: That would be a sight. You know, I wouldn’t mind seeing two whales fucking just because I don’t know how they do it. Do they, like, float sideways? Up? Whale style?
E: I don’t think that that’s possible, for whales to fuck the shit out of each other? To, like, have aggressive sex. Like, I don’t think that’s possible with their size and like the water–
E: –Like, to go that fast I don’t think that’s possible.
M: I want to see like two that are fucking so fast, they sploosh out of the water, He gooshes in her
(all start laughing) M: And there’s, like, two, like– OOOOOOHH!! Like, dive and sperm goes everywhere…
E: Why that “gooshes”?! T: Wait- T: Wait, what if the original form of why blowjob is called a blowjob is a whale fucking another whale’s blowhole. M: Ewww– Ow! No! What if I fucked your nose? (laughing) M: What if I fucked your nose, man! No! E: There are probably people that are into that… M: Fucking a whale’s blowhole?! E: Or that too! Or one of those things, I mean when you think about anything is sexually There’s one person out there that’s like, they’re into that.
M: All right… M: “Listen son, if you want to get involved with ‘the boners of the elderly,’ I won’t stop you just steer clear of ‘my dad’s dumb, fucking face’.” So don’t look your grandpa in the eye when your getting all up in his boner. (They laugh) I get that. That’s– that’s good one. That’s good pair. “Listen, son, if you want to get involved with ‘seeing things from Hitler’s perspective’…. Just… I won’t stop you just steer clear of… ‘No longer finding any Cards Against Humanity cards funny’.” That is exactly what I was not hoping for. I was like, “please be a funny follow up!” Boink! OOOOOOH NOOOOHOOO Oohh, I gotta go with ‘boners’ for that one…
E: Yeah! T: I didn’t have anything to follow up, but I knew the beginning was good, I was, like– [I] didn’t have anything to follow up but at the beginning was good over here. Yeah M: Oh, was this you? T: Yeah
M: [Groans] It’s just, like, this is an antithesis card. It’s good but… Oh man… T: “The secret to a lasting marriage is communication. Communication and [blank].” “The secret to a lasting marriage-” I almost said fisting marriage- Why can’t I read right now? “is- communication. Communication and ‘being 9 years old’.” communication and being 9 years old “A gender identity that can only be conveyed through slam poetry.” [Through laughter] “The size of my penis!” (Ethan nods) (Mark nods) T: I’ll pick– M: Yeah! (Everyone laughs) M: I like to communicate through the size of my penis, if you guys didn’t know that.
E: I didn’t. M: You didn’t? Now you do. M: You wanna communicate later?
E: Dude, totally. (They giggle) E: “What left this stain on my couch?” (giggling) Mark trying to communicate with me… (They laugh) T: Dang it, I just drew this one, I wanted to use it! M: Ohh noo! (sarcasm?) Guys, don’t you hate it when you’re playing Cards Against Humanity And you JUST play a card and then you draw the PERFECT card?!
E: I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! M: Guys?
T: I forgot I had that card, that would’ve been better than what I put… *starts mumbling* E: Too bad we can’t go back and have you change…
M: Time is a…social construct. E: “What left this stain on my couch? ‘That ass’.” “What left this stain on my couch? ‘Unquestioning ob-edience’.” “What left this stain on my couch? [Matter-of-factually] ‘Prince Ali. fabulous he. Ali Ababwa…'” (Mark giggles) (Mark and Ethan laugh) E: Pheeew. Okay, I’m going to go with the Aladdin one… Is that Rando?! M: That was me. No, that wasn’t funny until you read it like that! (Mark and Ethan giggle) M: Just, like, the pauses between ’em..! E: [Matter-of-factually] “Prince Ali Fabulous he…”
M: It was so droll! T: I didn’t think it was funny regardless, but that worked out! M: I dunno, man, uhh, it’s (giggles) (Imitating Ethan’s reading) Prince Ali, fabulous he, Ali Ababwa leavin’ stains on my couch! “My mom freaked out when she looked at my browser history and found [blank].com slash [blank]”? “My mom freaked out when she looked at my browser history and found ‘a sad fat dragon with no friends’ .com slash [questionably] lockjaw’.” (they giggle and groan) “‘Catastrophic urethral trauma’.com slash ‘an unstoppable wave of fire ants’!” Oh my God! Is that just a website where it’s different versions of urethral trauma? T: Oh, God! “‘Daddy issues’.com slash (Mark’s words drowned out by laughter) “‘Maximal insertion’.” E: Yiiiikes! M: Oooohh! It’s a tight one between these two! (Dissolves into laughter) (Tyler laughs) E: Wrooooong adjective…
M: Wrong choice of word! I gotta to go with ‘daddy issues.’ M: There you go…
T: Cha-ching! (giggles)
M: (to Ethan) Were you this one? E: I was the urethral trauma
M: I was close– It was close. E: What are the standings right now? Tyler and I are tied for two…
M: I got three. Rando with one. T: “When I pooped what came out my butt?” (oh no) (Quiet giggles and snorts from the boys) (Louder giggling) M: AHH, no, wait…! E: Wait, look, which one of these? (Breaks down into laughter) T: I don’t even know what you’re putting but — *starts mumbling because laughing so hard* M: Put both in cause I got another one I wanna play, and we’ll just do a double round. I’ll put another Rando in cause this one’s got a load of good ones! M: Alright, so we got six cards in this particular round. There’s just too much goodness. T: Alright. “When I pooped, what came out my butt?” ‘Big Bird’s brown, crusty asshole.’ ‘Free ice cream, yo!’ (They laugh) ‘Eighth graders’ !? (They burst into laughter) ‘Bullshit’ Another asshole!? ‘Daniel Radcliffe’s delicious asshole.’ M: How can an asshole come out of an asshole? T: ‘A sex goblin with a carnival penis!’ E: (Laughs) ‘A carnival penis’? M: I think even Rando stepped to the plate here! E: ‘A sex goblin with a carnival penis.’ M: What does that mean?! T: You’re pooping out assholes. E: I really like “eighth graders.” T: I do–! That’s gross, but I do too! E: That’s not even my card.
T: I think this wins! E: Oh, is that Rando? M: ‘Goblin penis’? Yeah, it’s Rando.
E: Damn! T: Just cause, I just picture like a tiny little goblin coming out and standing on my turds. E: On your turns?
T: TURDS T: In the toilet!
M: You don’t think eighth graders pooping out your butt is hilarious? T: (Laughs) I thought that was hilarious too! M: I was just– He’s, like, in an interview room in the police station and he’s like (imitating interrogator) “What came out of your poop, man?” (Tyler laughs) M: “We found the eighth graders!” And he’s just like, “Noo!” M: “Free ice cream, yo” is my other one. That was the one where I was like “Oh nooo!” T: I liked “free ice cream.”
E: That was a good one. T: So these are your two?
M: Those are mine, yeah. M: And he had double asshole!
E: I had double asshole! T: Double asshole! T: So Rando got another card. E: Next one!
(Mark clears his throat) E: “What’s that sound?” E: Alright. “What’s that sound?” ‘Daddy’s belt’!
(Laughter) “What’s that sound?” ‘Fuck Mountain.’ (Mark and Tyler burst out laughing) E: “What’s that sound?” ‘A face full of horse cum.’ It’s between ‘Daddy’s belt’ and ‘Fuck Mountain.’ I’m gonna go with Daddy’s belt. M: Oh, yay! I would have gone with Fuck Mountain–
T: I would have gone with Fuck Mountain.
M: That’s Rando’s. E: That’s Rando’s.
M: That’s so funny, just off in the distance like, “We’re approaching it, Frobo!” M: “It’s Fuck Mountain!” M: “What ended my last relationship?” (Ethan giggles) M: “What ended my laaast relationshiiiiip?” Was it ‘the way white people is’? Was it ‘my worthless son’? Was it ‘ejaculating live bees and the bees are angry’? (Laughs) M: That’s like a trump card, that’s a trump card. E: Is that Rando? M: Oh, come on! M: Alright, the standings are Tyler’s at… T: Last with two. M: You got two, you got two, three.
E: I’ve also got two. M: I’ve got four
E: Oooh! M: So I COULD win it right here? But we shall see. T: “The C.I.A. now interrogates enemy agents by repeatedly subjecting them to [blank].” By repeatedly subjecting them to ‘an overwhelming variety of cheeses’ ‘Beloved television star Bill Cosby’ (Laughs) (They giggle) T: ‘My boyfriend’s stupid penis.’ T: *slides card forward* M: Yaaay!
E: Bill Cosby… Damnit! M: That was the card I drew and I was, like, this is funny because of the way it’s written! E: I wonder if that was before or after.
M: I think it was after. M: Cause that’s been going on for a–
E: Wait, how is it worded?
M: “Beloved television star Bill Cosby.” M: Cuz– Cuz that’s been going on for, like, what… Five years now?
E: Has it been that long?
T: Yeah, it’s been a few years. M: Yeah. So anyway, thank you everybody so much for watching– This was fun!
T: Yeah! E: Cards Against Humanity is always little bit of fun.
M: It was a good round. Good cards all around. I liked it a lot, and, uh… Thank you again everybody for watching. If you play Cards Against Humanity at home remember to have fun with it, don’t take it too seriously, and be as offensive as you want to be because it’s a safe space. So thank you, Ethan, for joining me; you can find his channel down in the description. Thank you, Tyler, also You can find his twitter and his barren video-less YouTube channel down there as well. There’s nothing there, no hopes, no dreams. T: But subscribe anyway because it’s an experiment!
M: (Whispering) He’s trying to
to get to a hundred thousand with no videos Is it possible? Who knowwws! E: Now it is! (They laugh) But thank you everybody for so much for watching, and as always we will see you in the next video. Buh-bye! E: Bye!
T: Bye! (Outro music plays as follows) DOO DA DOO DA DOO DA DOO DA DOO DA BOO BA BOO BA DOO DA DOO BA DOO BA DOO DA DAH DAH BOODLEE BOO BOO BOODALEE DOO der dooder dooderdooderdahder…. blooblehbolldebllrerrr