Every Bar on Thanksgiving Eve – Second City Sketch Show

– ‘Twas the night
before Thanksgiving and all through the city,
the booze began flowing, folks about to get. When what to my wondering
eyes should appear, every d-bag from high
school, reuniting right here. – I thought you
had to work, man. – I’m actually in tech now,
so I’m making my own hours. – Turd guzzlers, unite. – Turd guzzlers, indeed,
their old ska band can tell. Thanks to years
of booze drinking they all look like hell. – Wait, you have gout? – Yeah. – I thought it was
just for old people. – Anyone can get gout. As long as you play
your cards right. (laughing) – Danny Murphy,
star quarterback. Used to hotbox in his car. Looking sad, all hunched over, slamming Jagers at the bar. – Touchdown! (laughing) You remember that? – Yeah. – Nothing’s ever gonna
top that feeling. – Don’t you have a kid? – Like, three. – And young Katie Perkins, a Juggalette in her day,
now a mom in a minivan, was ICP just a phase? – You’ve really changed. – Oh, no, I’m exactly the same. Insane Clown Posse for life. (laughing) – Whether I like it or not. – Yeah. – The bar filled with talk
about bad family vacations, and cringe worthy stabs at
guessing sex orientations. – Oh, hey Mindy, what about you? Gonna find a fella
and get hitched? – Oh, no, actually I’m gay. – I was gay for a
semester in college, so… – That’s not really– – My barber’s gay. – Okay, I’m gonna
go to the bathroom. At another bar. A gay one. – Decorum gave way
later on that same night, to misguided hookups
and unfinished fights. – You told everyone in
high school that I started the mono outbreak. – You did. – Well I don’t have mono now. – [Bartender]
Friendships sprung up like weeds from the ground, striving for happiness,
still yet to be found. – I used to dream
of leaving this town for somewhere
exotic, like Florida. – (scoffing) I
used to dream about starting a small business. – I used to dream about giving
birth to the Hamburglar. – That sounds like
more of a nightmare. – No, he’s a good boy. – And next year, like clockwork, a new Drinksgiving will come. An excuse to get drunk,
look back and act dumb. A holiday reminder that
life always will suck. But with age comes the
wisdom to not give a (beep). (all groaning) – All right, y’all, I’m out. Happy Drinksgiving to you all, and to all a good– (glass breaking) – Do you guys wanna share a car? – (all) Yes. Absolutely. – [Woman] That’s a good idea. – Somebody call for a ride? – Tech company. – No, no, no, no. (sighing) – [Woman] Should we
go somewhere else?


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