Episode 91 – Dice, Camera, Action with Dungeons & Dragons


Subtitles by @thesirren CHRIS: Hi, everybody! And welcome to season four of Dice, Camera, Action! JARED: Yeah!
CHRIS: Yay! ANNA: Wee!
HOLLY: Hurray! CHRIS: A superfun D&D show.
NATHAN: Yay! NATHAN: Totally ready! CHRIS: Totally, totally ready. Totes ready. CHRIS: And today, once more, we have a special guest star, Jerry Holkins. CHRIS: Thank you, Jerry, for making the time. JERRY: Oh, it’s my pleasure. CHRIS: I won’t tell you which one, but one of us is drunk. CHRIS: You’ll have to figure it out as the stream goes on.
ANNA: Are you sure it’s only one, Chris? CHRIS: At least one of us is drunk. JERRY: Wait, we got to get you on Acquisitions Intoxicated, my friend.
CHRIS: Yeah, um, yeah. JARED: But, by the end of the night though, all of us. HOLLY: Yeah, sometimes. HOLLY: Depending on what happens.
JARED: Yeah, right. CHRIS: So, previously in Dice, Camera, Action! The Waffle Crew arrived in Chult to complete a very important mission, to end a death curse plaguing the world. In the course of their journeys into the heart of Chult, Diath kept a very detailed map, which he planned to trade once he got back to Port Nyanzaru for a safe ship home. JARED: Yes. CHRIS: The characters toward the end of their journey last season acquired a couple of useful items, as well as some items that they needed to fulfill a promise Diath made to an arcanaloth named Shemeshka, those being a spellbook, a set of pink tinted spectacles, and a… and that was it. The characters also acquired a resurrection scroll. Then, after a confrontation with some hags, they made their way back into Port Nyanzaru, where Strix availed herself of a, I don’t want to call it a loophole, but fine print in her infernal contract with Omin Dran, to summon him to their august presence with the intention of using his clerical abilities to bring their paladin, Evelyn, and quite possibly their puppet man, Murderbot, Simon, back from the dead. Then things went south, when the Waffle Crew encountered their evil clones/doppelgangers, the Awful Crew. And it looked for a while there that maybe the Waffle Crew would lose some important items, and possibly even some characters. But no, they prevailed. Killing all of the members of the Awful Crew, except for evil Paultin, who skulked away. Omin Dran, with great forethought, convinced a city guard not to incarcerate them for the wrongdoings of the Awful Crew. And instead managed to secure a palazzo overlooking the Dry Docks of Port Nyanzaru. And that is where the party finds themselves presently. HOLLY: Wait, we are in a real house?! CHRIS: Yeah, you are basically in a… you are in a white-walled palace, with big windows overlooking the Dry Docks, and through the windows you see the evening sun falling on the masts of a ship, that is being pulled into Dry Dock by huge dinosaurs. And it looks like the ship has sustained some battle damage of some kind. ANNA: This is the nicest place will be in all season. HOLLY: Just trying to not touch the walls.
JARED: I am taking it in. JERRY: I run my finger along the… along the, uh, sort of the mesh outside, a little fence. And look at it with my thumb and forefinger together and say: “It’ll do.” JERRY: But this is literally the nicest place — CHRIS: Yes, you were told by the captain of the guard is usually set aside by the merchant princes of Port Nyanzaru for honored guests, ambassadors from distant cities, things like that. Currently it is vacant, there are no ambassadors and residents, so you’ve got the place to yourself. JARED: Did we receive this as a sort of apologies? JERRY: I think so.
CHRIS: Yes. CHRIS: A combination of apologies and just Omin’s smooth talk. JERRY: I had a good roll but there is definitely a makegood aspect, I think, to this too. CHRIS: Absolutely. JERRY: ‘Kay. Well, I am going to approach Strix and say: This service you are asking of me is a sacred one, and I will perform it without any particular tithe. But the process itself does require a certain investment, and not an investment of the psychic or emotional kind, I am referring specifically to a baseball-sized gem. JERRY: Um…
JARED: Fucking knew it. HOLLY: Strix will just look around, like: “I am not the one you should be asking about this.” JERRY: Well, that’s very interesting.
HOLLY: Looks at Paultin, looks at Paultin. NATHAN: Wait, what now? HOLLY: Paultin has all of our money, I think. NATHAN: Oh, is it money? We are talking money? HOLLY: Well, we need a, we need a diamond. Just one diamond? JERRY: Well. Omin takes a second, and he has now sort of arranged the remains on these two cloths. And I say: “Well it depends entirely upon how many resurrections you need.” HOLLY: Looks like there is two. JERRY: Okay. I say: “Well, I need two gems. Each gem appraisal value around five hundred. And that’s gold pieces.” JERRY: So it may be…
NATHAN: Oh, thank you. JERRY: It may be that you actually have to make a choice after all. JARED: Surely you need these gems as material components, yes? JERRY: Correct.
JARED: Okay. JERRY: You ever heard about magic spells? You know how that works? JARED: Only some.
JERRY: Okay. Well, yeah, that was my read. JERRY: So, um, yes. Paultin, I am not taking this for my own use. I assure you that I have a reputation that does follow me from place to place. HOLLY: It’s true. I’ve seen it. JERRY: You’ve been, you’ve been embroiled in it, certainly. But the service I am offering is free and clear. The gem itself is simply an investment of the party’s resources. NATHAN: Mhm, of course. Yes, now. NATHAN: About the five hundred each.
JERRY: Correct. NATHAN: What about a hundred thirty-three and a smile? JERRY: Let me see this smile. Is this… Are you doing it right now? Is this the smile? NATHAN: Oh, no, this isn’t the smile. Okay. And he, like, turns, and he just kind of does a… like a… JERRY: I think that would get us up to four hundred gold. NATHAN: Oh, okay.
JERRY: It’s a very good smile. JERRY: But the…
NATHAN: What about, what about the pistols? Does that add? JERRY: It actually subtracts.
NATHAN: Oh. Okay, okay, okay. JERRY: Yeah, you owe me money now. NATHAN: Mhm, okay.
JERRY: It actually moved the other way, so. NATHAN: Oh, fantastic.
JERRY: I’d stop doing that. JERRY: I say: “It’s not up to me. The forces, the forces I am about to marshal with this ritual can’t be bargained with in that way, or I would, trust me. Trust me, if it was purely down to oratory, I could have this done by lunch.” HOLLY: Did we take evil Evelyn’s body?
CHRIS: No. HOLLY: Oh, because that had a lot of gems on it.
CHRIS: Yep. HOLLY: Great. Of course Strix didn’t. That’s money, why would she need that? HOLLY: So, she’ll just, like, reach around in her pocket to just pull out some just, like, moths and stuff, just, like, flying around. HOLLY: There’s got to be money in here somewhere. JERRY: Down deep. CHRIS: Nothing diamond-like falls out of your robe. HOLLY: Lots of other things, but nothing diamond-like.
CHRIS: Yeah, yep. JERRY: Here. I am going to… Is there access to guards that are in the employ of the man I spoke to? CHRIS: So, those guards left, but this palace does have guards and staff. JERRY: I need to send a message to the captain of the guard.
CHRIS: Okay. JERRY: Um, to say that a substantial quantity of jewels was stolen from our party by one of the malefactors who we stopped out in the market. Um, and if we could regain access to those jewels, I would be able to find extra jewels for their own examination and assessment. CHRIS: Okay, and you start to write this up as a missive and give it to one of the other guards?
JERRY: Yeah, I do. CHRIS: Okay, he’ll disappear with that. One of the servants will overhear you as you part with the message and will mention that there is a jewel market in the city, not actually too far from where you are, about a block away. JERRY: Absolutely.
CHRIS: Should it become necessary. JERRY: Yeah, so while we are waiting for the other one to bear fruit, if indeed it can. CHRIS: Yeah.
JERRY: I am going to relay that information to the rest of the party. JERRY: And I am going to invest myself deeply in the sacred rite and make sure that absolutely everything is prepared for when I have the components. CHRIS: Okay. While Omen is doing that. Diath, Strix and Paultin do you want to do anything? Just hang out in the palazzo? HOLLY: I am going to read the spellbook, Shemeshka’s spellbook. JARED: Yes.
CHRIS: Okay. CHRIS: It all looks positively arcane to you. None of it makes any sense. HOLLY: But what about my magic? HOLLY: I am going to pretend to read it then.
CHRIS: Okay. JERRY: And then you should nod. Every so often just nod, like… HOLLY: Hmm. Yeah, if I could glean anything off of this, I am just like…
CHRIS: Okay. HOLLY: And then I also, like, look up every, like, few words and just make sure that no one can see that I am faking it. CHRIS: Right, yeah. Once you have to actually check the outside of the book to make sure you are holding it up right. HOLLY: I might not. HOLLY: Great.
CHRIS: Diath, are you doing anything while Omen is making his preparations? JARED: Well, if there is this jewel market, I would take it upon myself to kind of go ahead and scout it out beforehand to see if someone indeed has a diamond worth that much. And ask them to, you know, the thing where you go to the store, like: “Could you just put that under this desk for like an hour?” CHRIS: Mhm.
JARED: Yeah, I am going to go try to do that. CHRIS: Okay. And Paultin, what are you doing? NATHAN: I am also going to go to the, to this jewely place with Diath. CHRIS: Okay. So, Omin and Strix together. Paultin and Diath together. What could go wrong? JARED: Wait, we are leaving Strix alone behind? CHRIS: Well, with Omin.
HOLLY: I mean, Strix will come if Strix sees everyone leave. CHRIS: Well, Omin is there.
HOLLY: Oh, then that’s fine. HOLLY: Unless they tell her to come with them. CHRIS: Apparently not. HOLLY: Nope, apparently not. HOLLY: They see Omin and then they leave. JARED: Diath has very noticeable reservations about it, but eventually relinquishes. HOLLY: Strix is like… CHRIS: Okay. So, nothing changed then. Still just Diath and Paultin? JARED: I think so, yeah.
CHRIS: Okay, great. CHRIS: Diath and Paultin, as you make your way through the evening streets, you see a lot of the merchants in and around the jewel market have kind of already packed up their wares. Others are in the process of doing so, but there are still customers haggling with them, or looking over their merchandise. You can see there is a lot of activity here, but I would like you both to make Perception checks. JARED: All right. CHRIS: To see if you notice anything untoward or odd. NATHAN: Eh, that was a five.
CHRIS: Okay. JARED: Twenty-eight. CHRIS: Okay, Diath, as you look around you can see that there are people sort of behaving a little bit strangely. And that’s because you assume they are either, that they are probably guards and spies, hired by the merchants to prevent thieves from stealing things. So they are very hawk-eyed, quiet, nondescript, kind of tucked away on the outskirts of the market, but paying very close attention to everyone and everything happening inside it. JARED: A lot of behavior that I would be intimately familiar with.
CHRIS: Yes, absolutely. CHRIS: You think it would be very hard, based on the web of eyes in this place, for somebody to actually rip anything off successfully. CHRIS: Unless they were really, really good.
JARED: All right. CHRIS: And some of them have hidden away under their cloaks and things swords, that they can reach out and pull out at a moment’s notice. JARED: I try to point all of this out to Paultin and just be like: “No tricky business.” NATHAN: He’ll say: “Okay, all right, so then on to plan… No, that was stealing. Plan C– that was stealing too. Plan G!” JARED: Paultin, we are not stealing anything.
NATHAN: Not anymore we are not. CHRIS: But you do go over to a merchant who seems to have a nice selection of stuff, that is just currently being packed up. Diath, you catch sight of some diamonds that you think would fit Omin’s needs. JARED: Awesome. JARED: Paultin.
NATHAN: Yeah. JARED: Level with me, because I have not been keeping track at all. Do we even have enough money to do this? To get both? NATHAN: I’d say we have enough money with the right attitude. And I am going to approach… NATHAN: I think that this guy has the diamonds we want, right?
CHRIS: Yeah. NATHAN: Okay, I am going to approach this fine vendor. JARED: And as soon as Paultin turns away from Diath, he just kind of goes: “Oh, fuck.” CHRIS: All right, you saunter up to this vendor, who looks kind of exhausted and eager to return whatever domicile he calls home. NATHAN: Uh, I, like… So, I am going to pretend just to be, like, walking by and, like, not really take notice, and then do, like, a… NATHAN: Do, like, a double take.
CHRIS: Mhm. NATHAN: I am just like: “Oh, my goodness! My good man, it’s you! I can’t believe! I’ve heard so much about your… your fine business, and now to see you in person… This is… this is incredible. I cannot bel– How are you doing, sir? CHRIS: He mumbles something under his breath, he doesn’t even make eye contact with you. NATHAN: Ah, that infamous attitude, that gruff exterior I’ve heard so much about. They, they’ve said good things about you, and they were not wrong, I can already tell. CHRIS: Make a Persuasion check. JARED: Oh, I hate it! NATHAN: Okay, that is a twenty-five. CHRIS: Okay. You do actually, he does turn his eyes on you and he says: “I must get home, what can I do for you, sir?” NATHAN: Well, if you must know, I believe that you are in possession of a particular trinket that we have been searching very much for. CHRIS: He sort of looks over your shoulder to see who the “we” is, and then he sees Diath, kind of three paces behind you. JARED: Diath kind of just goes from like a: “Oh my god, I can’t believe we are doing this”, into, when he realizes that the merchant starts looking at him, he immediately just goes… NATHAN: That is my associate. Also a big fan. This is a surreal experience, it’s fantastic. CHRIS: I see, I see, yes. You are from Baldur’s Gate, Waterdeep, Neverwinter? NATHAN: We are from your primary demographic. Where they, they sp– Anyway. So, that doesn’t matter. Anyway… CHRIS: My primary demographics are the very rich. NATHAN: And that’s where things get interesting, but not boring, I must say. So, my good man. That diamond there… NATHAN: It’s like out on display, right?
CHRIS: Yeah, he is just sort of got it on the table. CHRIS: This one here, yes. NATHAN: That’s the one. How much are you asking to part ways with that? CHRIS: Five hundred gold.
NATHAN: Five h–, um. Five hundred gold. So… Well, of course, as the world goes, I’ve come to bargain. CHRIS: It is one of the smaller, cheaper ones. NATHAN: Um, right. So, it’s not even that, that… Wait. I, like, turn to Diath and like: “Wait, is that bad? Will it still work? Do you know if it will still work?” JARED: I don’t know, he just said that he wants them both five hundred. NATHAN: Okay.
JARED: Wait, hold on. Let me take a look at that. JARED: Diath will actually kind of step forward.
CHRIS: Okay. It isn’t the only one there by the way. CHRIS: There are others, similar size, similar glitter to them. JARED: Right. I mean, I have, not great, but at least some knowledge of cut gems. CHRIS: Mhm.
JARED: And I’d like to be able to discern that what he’s got here is indeed actually worth around five hundred. JARED: And that he is not just upcharging, like a motherfucker.
CHRIS: Got it. JERRY: Mhm. Nice.
CHRIS: Okay. CHRIS: Yeah. You can just make a… Actually, I am not going to have you make a check. I’ll just say you can look at them and discern that they are exactly what he says they are. JARED: Okay, yeah. I will nonverbally say to Paultin that: “Yeah, these will suffice.” CHRIS: Yep, and it also doesn’t take a check to realize that this man does sort of have an exhausted look to him, bags under the eyes He doesn’t this want discussion to go long, much longer. NATHAN: I can see you are a busy man. You have places to be, probably adoring fans to get home to, I am sure. CHRIS: I have not eaten since sunrise. NATHAN: Okay, that… Well. NATHAN: I am sorry. CHRIS: Would you like to buy it?
NATHAN: I would. Now… NATHAN: At the current point in time, which time is just, you know, this convoluted concept, let’s be real, I have roughly a hundred thirty-three gold. Now, I can also offer you… What else do you want? CHRIS: He packs them up and puts them away. NATHAN: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
JARED: We offer trade. CHRIS: He stops and turns. CHRIS: When this happens, Diath, you are looking around, you can see that the guards and spies around the market are all watching the two of you. NATHAN: There will be no theft, we are honest men, we are not here to cause any kind of trouble. We’ve come to bargain, we’ve come to bargain. Come to bargain. JARED: All right. I offer a simple trade. As one who works all the time, is constantly exhausted and carries such valuables, you must feel threatened all the time. I can offer you a small thing to protect yourself in exchange for your diamonds. And Diath will reach out and take out the Horn of Blasting, and put it out onto the table in front of him, but keep his hand on it. CHRIS: Okay. JARED: He is like: “A single blow into this can decimate and destroy — in front of you, and will keep you and your products safe. CHRIS: It is beautiful. May I? JARED: Yes. CHRIS: He picks it up. I mean, he sort of looks at it, all of it. He looks down it. Holds it up to his mouth. JARED: Just don’t, don’t. Not here, my friend. CHRIS: How do I know if it works? JARED: Uh.
NATHAN: I can vouch for it, but I don’t know what that’s worth to you. JARED: I could, I could retell you the stories.
CHRIS: You see that puddle of piss over there? CHRIS: That is what it is worth to me.
NATHAN: Understood. NATHAN: That’s fair. JARED: I can only… I could tell you the stories of when it has helped and saved me. The walls have just literally shattered, the pathways have just opened. The Yuan-ti it has melted the skulls off. CHRIS: You see him cast what you know to be a Detect Magic spell on it. JARED: Oh, all right. Great.
CHRIS: And he nods as you talk. CHRIS: And sort of explain how you got it and what did you use it for, and all that kind of thing. CHRIS: And he says… Make a Persuasion check, and I’ll give you advantage. JARED: Ooh, yay. I actually do have a proficiency in Persuasion everybody. You know, just for the record. JARED: Oh, yay. That is a twenty-five.
CHRIS: All right. He says: “Deal!” JARED: Excellent! Is this for both gems or just one? NATHAN: Wow! CHRIS: He says: “I like…”
ANNA: I heard them say “diamonds”. CHRIS: I like you both very much. You may have the two gems. HOLLY: Aww. JARED: Diath kind of looks around at Paultin, almost in disbelief: “We accept. We accept.” JERRY: This campaign has taken a turn!
CHRIS: Yes. CHRIS: Two diamonds for the blasty horn. NATHAN: Two diamonds for the blasty horn? JARED: Yeah.
CHRIS: He puts the diamonds out in front of you, so you can take them. JARED: Yoink! NATHAN: Thank you, sir! JARED: And then, like…
CHRIS: No, thank you! JARED: May it protect you and keep you safe. CHRIS: It will, I am sure. NATHAN: And may your stories continue to travel the land and… eh, we got the diamonds, let’s go. CHRIS: All right. JARED: As we walk, as we start, like, departing, Diath will just kind of look lean over to Paultin, and just be like: “I think we got the short end of the stick on that one.” NATHAN: Yeah, I don’t know much about that horn, but he seemed really eager to have it. JARED: You know, me neither, but it doesn’t matter, we got what we needed. CHRIS: And darkness has fallen. As you leave you see those spies along the periphery, they are still kind of keeping an eye on you, but they’ve sort of moved their gaze for the most part elsewhere. And that merchant that you leave behind pretty much packs up the last of his stuff. And it gets dark pretty quickly as the shadows of the buildings fall upon the streets, and the sun is but a distant orange orb on the horizon. Back at the palazzo, there is a distant knock on the door, and then servants sort of usher a missive back up into the grand chamber where you are with the bodies. And the note on it, Omin, says: “No gems.” JARED: Dammit.
JERRY: All right. ANNA: And none of you looted the body that I left.
HOLLY: Of course! ANNA: I give you a body encrusted with jewels, and nobody loots the body!
HOLLY: What did you expect?! You know us! JARED: You set us up, and we still just can’t. CHRIS: Right. CHRIS: Uh, yeah. But, that sort of crestfallen moment passes within the next ten minutes when Diath and Paultin return. Diath and Paultin, when you show up on the doorstep of the palazzo, you see something is on the step that wasn’t there when you left. And there is nobody around. There is just lots of ferns and things out front, kind of sheltering the entrance. JERRY: Hmmm. CHRIS: But it’s just a… It looks like an iron disc or something, like an oversized coin on the step. JARED: Did you drop that?
NATHAN: No. Did you? JARED: No. NATHAN: Did you?
JARED: No. NATHAN: I am going to, like, throw a rock at it. CHRIS: It bounces off the step. JARED: Now, this looks like it was something that was just placed here? CHRIS: It looks like it was literally just placed in the middle of the step. It’s too centered on the step to have accidentally fallen there, and there is really not much that it could have fallen from. JARED: All right. CHRIS: Because you are sort of in an enclosure a bit, so it didn’t, like, fall off a roof or something. JARED: All right. NATHAN: I am going to, like, walk up and poke it. CHRIS: All right. Yeah, you can poke it. You can sort of slide it around. It is an oversized disk. An iron shaped coin, about that big around. And, you notice upon closer inspection that the center of it is shaped like a triceratops head. NATHAN: Ooh.
JERRY: Hmmm. JARED: What is it? NATHAN: Was the head facing up?
CHRIS: Yep. NATHAN: Ooh, lucky! NATHAN: I pick it up. CHRIS: Okay. Yeah, you pick it up. It’s… It’s weighty, but you can easily carry it, and yeah, that’s all it is. It’s a disk with a sort of embossed triceratops head. NATHAN: Do you think we can buy our horn back with this? JARED: I have no idea. JARED: It’s just made of stone?
CHRIS: Iron. JARED: Iron, iron.
CHRIS: Iron. JARED: This doesn’t look particularly valuable. I don’t even know what this means. This is clearly, like, some Port Nyanzaru shit. JERRY: Yeah.
CHRIS: Yeah, the triceratops would seem to suggest as much. JARED: Yeah, so any value that this could possibly have, it’s only going to be here. NATHAN: Cool. I guess we should probably go shopping, huh? JARED: I don’t know.
NATHAN: Cool. NATHAN: I am just going to, like: “All right”, and I am going to tuck it away in my pocket. CHRIS: Okay.
JARED: Yeah, hold on to it. NATHAN: Mine!
CHRIS: All right! CHRIS: When you go back inside, you make your way back up into the room. Strix and Omin, you hear them come back. And they show up, and are dark in your doorway. HOLLY: You didn’t die! NATHAN: Anyone dropped a dinosaur frisbee? JERRY: Do I recognize, do I recognize this device, Chris? CHRIS: You’ve never seen one before, but I will let you make an Intelligence (History) check. JERRY: Uh, I rolled a one.
CHRIS: Okay, nope. CHRIS: Never heard of it, never–
JARED: Welcome to the Waffle Crew. HOLLY: Can I try? CHRIS: Um… HOLLY: I am not smart enough, am I?
CHRIS: No. ANNA: Rude. CHRIS: But you are back. JERRY: So, they are back.
CHRIS: Yes. JERRY: And, um, do they have anything that sparkles? JARED: Yes. We have retrieved the material components that you require. NATHAN: At a great price! JERRY: When you say “at a great price”, do you mean you secured them at great price, or do you mean that you secured them at a price that you are happy with? NATHAN: The price was great. JERRY: All right. JARED: We have the gems. JARED: If we have these and we can bring them back, it means we are happy with it. JERRY: Okay. Fair enough. HOLLY: Also, does the resurrection scroll need one of the diamonds too? CHRIS: So, the scroll mitigates the need for the component. JERRY: Yeah. HOLLY: Okay. So we only need one diamond. CHRIS: If you use the scroll. HOLLY: Okay. If we… Oh, we can keep… We are going to keep that scroll. CHRIS: Mhm.
HOLLY: I am keeping that on me. JERRY: No, no, no. You don’t… Don’t… If you have the… If you were able to secure these materials, that… You want to keep a hold of that scroll. HOLLY: Yeah, yeah, yes. I can use it too, actually. JERRY: Perfect. JARED: You can?! HOLLY: Yeah. I have… I can use cleric spells. JARED: Wow.
JERRY: Not all of them, but, you know… HOLLY: I guess I can heal people… HOLLY: No, I can do, I can do that too, yeah. You remember. HOLLY: She looks at Omin like: “Yeah.” HOLLY: Different spells, better spells.
JERRY: Sure, okay. CHRIS: All right. So, they part… They give you the diamonds, Omin. And they do look like they are going to serve your needs. JERRY: Okay, perfect. JERRY: I look at them, like, too long.
CHRIS: Mhm. JERRY: Like, I just turn them over, look at them in the last rays of the sun over the port. I try to get a glimpse, and then I nod. I ask if they would leave the room. JARED: Yeah, I guess. Strix? NATHAN: I’d very much rather not, if we are being TBH. JERRY: Okay.
HOLLY: He knows what he is doing, Paultin. It’s fine. HOLLY: He is just being weird, I don’t know. NATHAN: But, I mean… Granted, my limited time with you has been a great time. NATHAN: I am getting all the positive vibes from you, but…
JERRY: Yeah, I really felt like we were hitting it off. NATHAN: I do too, but I can’t say that I know you well enough to… I just… I just want to see. Or do I not want to see? Why do we need to leave? JERRY: Paultin, right?
NATHAN: Yes. JERRY: I don’t really know what you do. Last time we got into a fight I basically had to do it myself. NATHAN: That’s fair. I am still trying to figure it out too. JERRY: And I was thinking that I would do this myself also. Suffice it to say that I don’t come down to wherever you do what your thing is, and, you know, give pithy observations. You seem like a pithy observer to me. NATHAN: Ooh, good word. JERRY: Um… JERRY: All right. You know what? Everybody else but Paultin has to go. HOLLY: All right.
JARED: Okay. HOLLY: Oh. Should we… Strix will hold up a little gold ring. Should we, like, leave these with her? JARED: Oh, yeah. The pieces of Evelyn. HOLLY: These are… These are pieces, it’s a long story, Omin, they are piece of Evelyn. Just, they are pieces of her. HOLLY: She is like…
JERRY: Of her body? JARED: Her literal, her literal…
HOLLY: Essence? JARED: Her soul, her being that protects us, even when she is not around.
HOLLY: Soul? HOLLY: Van Richten, like, convinced us to do this messed up ritual, where she, like, died. We don’t really understand it, it’s very complicated, it might have universe altering implications, which we don’t want to talk about, or have and admit it. NATHAN: And also run into you too often. JERRY: Yeah, I grab the ring. I say: “Yes, I am sure this will help.” HOLLY: Okay, good. CHRIS: All right, so you are taking both Diath’s ring and Strix’s ring. Are you giving him both? JERRY: Yes. Absolutely.
CHRIS: Both? Okay. CHRIS: So, you got two diamonds and two rings of protection with pieces of Evelyn’s soul trapped inside them. JERRY: Exactly. So, and now everyone, but Paultin has to leave. CHRIS: Okay.
NATHAN: Wait, I have… Wait, do I st—, do I have a ring? NATHAN: I feel like I have a ring. CHRIS: You have a different, you ha–. No. NATHAN: No?
CHRIS: Well, you had… CHRIS: You and Diath and Strix were sharing two rings.
JERRY: Wow. ANNA: You have Evelyn’s family signet ring.
NATHAN: That’s what I was thinking. CHRIS: Oh, right. Yes, okay. And you have her family signet ring. JERRY: That’s a big step.
CHRIS: Yep. NATHAN: Like, this does stuff? JERRY: All right, cool. I say: “I see the use. And you hold on to that real tight.” NATHAN: Can do. CHRIS: Okay.
JERRY: Okay. JARED: All right. Paultin, just if you need anything let us know. Strix, come on. CHRIS: Okay. HOLLY: Still holding the book upside down.
CHRIS: Yep. CHRIS: You close the two doors. NATHAN: If you hear me releasing agonizing screams, don’t worry. I’ve been betrayed and am probably dying. JARED: We’ll be right outside the door. JERRY: I say… To the rest of the party I say: JERRY: If I kill him, and I am not saying that that is going to happen or is not going to happen.
NATHAN: Or if he can. JERRY: We are going to need another five hundred GP gem. JERRY: So, try to source one while you are out there. JARED: Yeah, okay. HOLLY: Did he just try and give us a job? JERRY: It’s a force of habit, I apologize. NATHAN: Oh, sidequest! CHRIS: All right. So, Diath and Strix close the doors to the room that Omin and Paultin are in, and they are now standing out in the hall with comfortable chairs, and things on the walls, and plants in the corners, and windows overlooking darkened courtyard inside this villa. And you can hear the burbling of a fountain down in the courtyard. And then the two of you hear a loud crash coming from downstairs, followed by screaming servants. HOLLY: Oh, no! Oh, no! JERRY: Servants or serpents? CHRIS: SER-VAN-TS. CHRIS: No, yeah, servants. CHRIS: People who attend the… People who belong to the household, as opposed to slivering snakes. JERRY: Okay, all right. JARED: Very, very quickly after hearing this, I replay returning from the market. And I immediately think to myself: “Were Paultin and I followed?” CHRIS: Make an Insight check.
JARED: Do I have any recollection of that at all? CHRIS: Make an Insight check. JARED: Oh, shit. JARED: Seven.
CHRIS: You didn’t care. CHRIS: You didn’t care and it doesn’t occur to you– CHRIS: — bothered to think about that. ANNA: You were just following the diamond like: “Ooh, shiny!” JARED: I am sure I was very focused with the task at hand more than anything else.
CHRIS: Yeah. JERRY: When I… CHRIS: From inside, inside the room it just kind of sounds like kind of a more dull clutter from somewhere off deeper, and somewhere else in the palazzo. You are not sure what. NATHAN: Like a concerning sounding clutter? CHRIS: It sounds like somebody kind of knocked over, like, a dining table, and everything on it sort of cluttered to the ground at once. It’s got that kind of resonant cacophony. NATHAN: Do I have like a… Oh, go ahead. JERRY: Oh, I say: “This actually turned out really well Paultin, I have a job for you.” NATHAN: Ooh, sidequest. JERRY: If anyone comes in the door, kill them. NATHAN: Can do. Wait, anyone? JERRY: Listen, you get one freebie, okay? You get one question, all right? If someone comes in, and you think: “Okay, I want to save this person”, you get one of those. JERRY: Okay?
NATHAN: I get one question? JERRY: Well, yeah. Somebody is coming in, you are like: “Oh, maybe this person is cool. Maybe we can be friends.” JERRY: That person can come in, but you can’t just be letting everybody in. NATHAN: Okay, so no party in here. JERRY: A substantial percentage of the people who come into the room need to die. ANNA: So, you can have a plus one, but everyone else has to be on the list? JERRY: Strictly RSVP. CHRIS: Okay. HOLLY: As soon as there was that clutter too, Strix is going to cast Haste on Diath. JARED: Oh! What is this?! HOLLY: Yep.
CHRIS: Yeah. HOLLY: So, now you got a bunch of, like, cool stuff. CHRIS: And if you move to the side really fast, it almost looks like there is a ghost of you left behind, where you were standing. ANNA: Oooh.
JERRY: Very cool. JARED: Woah, woah, woah. This is a bizarre feeling. CHRIS: Yeah, you are in the matrix now. JARED: Yeah. Yeah, you’ve never done this before.
HOLLY: You are fast now. JARED: Ah, but I guess immediately I no longer have summoning sickness, and I just shoot right down to this, this source of the sound. CHRIS: Okay. While that’s going on, Omin you start casting your spell. JERRY: Exactly.
CHRIS: Your first spell. JERRY: I am prioritizing Evelyn.
CHRIS: Okay. I was going to just ask that, so thank you. CHRIS: And this is going to be a one hour casting time for you. JERRY: Yes.
CHRIS: So, you begin this incantation. JARED: Oh, shit. CHRIS: And Paultin, after about thirty seconds you are like: “Is it over yet?” NATHAN: While he is casting it I am just like: “Hey, how long is this?” JERRY: And he is just… NATHAN: Okay. I’ll just stay by the door. CHRIS: Diath, when you rush downstairs you see, at a sort of cross hall ahead of you, a bunch of servants just run screaming past. JARED: But to me they are, like, going… CHRIS: Right. Yeah, yes. But when you sort of slide into the intersection and look the other way, you can see Waffles is going to town in the kitchen and has a big salami in her mouth, and just is chewing the shit out of it. JARED: Oh, girl! CHRIS: And one of the servants is behind her, beating her butt with a frying pan. HOLLY: Wait!
CHRIS: But having absol– Waffles doesn’t care. CHRIS: She is…
HOLLY: That girl! Do I hear this? CHRIS: As soon as she bites the salami in half, she immediately sort of lunges at a cupboard and pulls out what looks like a cake. HOLLY: Oh my god! JARED: So, from what I can tell of her behavior, she is clearly just hungry. JARED: She is not going feral, right?
CHRIS: Right, yes. CHRIS: And you are trying to think back in the, you know, last twelve hours when she’s been fed. And you are like: “You know what, I don’t think she’s been fed.” JARED: Oh, yeah. ANNA: That girl does not go feral, Diath. JARED: I know, I know. Okay, all right. JARED: Uh, faster than she’s ever seen before has she been comforted and pet. JERRY: The ultra pet.
JARED: Yeah. CHRIS: Okay. JERRY: It’s a vibration. It’s like death touch of petting. CHRIS: Yep. CHRIS: And when you show up, the servant who is accosting her with the pan sort of backs off, drops the pan and runs away. JARED: Yeah, immediately I am just, like, I start apologizing. You know, this is my responsibility, I will take care of it. I am sorry. CHRIS: A couple guards burst in through the back kitchen door at this point. CHRIS: And just sort of stare stupidly at this behemoth.
JARED: Strix! HOLLY: I can fly in, if I hear Diath yell. CHRIS: Oh, you are going to mount your broom?
HOLLY: Yeah. CHRIS: Okay.
HOLLY: Not like that’s going to help us out of this situation. CHRIS: So, there is a big sort of… And the smoke cloud inside, as you barrel on your broom through the hallways, going down the stairs, into the main foyer, past this big chandelier. CHRIS: Just make a…
HOLLY: She is like: “Who is this?! It’s Strahd?!” CHRIS: Make a Dexterity saving throw for me, Strix. HOLLY: A what?
CHRIS: A Dexterity saving throw. HOLLY: Oh.
JARED: Oh, no. CHRIS: Flying indoors is never as easy…
HOLLY: What? Oh, that’s a ten. Seventeen. CHRIS: Okay. You miss the railings, you miss the chandelier — CHRIS: — of armor, here there and everywhere. You go through curtains without getting caught up and strung up in them. You basically barrel your way all the way to the kitchen without any problem. HOLLY: Awesome. I see the scene unfold and I am like: “It’s Strahd, isn’t it?! Oh…” HOLLY: Hmm.
CHRIS: Yeah, Waffles is just eating a cake off the floor, while Diath is petting her gently. JARED: Yeah, we haven’t fed her since the meat pie. CHRIS: Yeah.
HOLLY: Oh. JARED: Yeah, I could totally understand. HOLLY: Sorry, everyone. I try to say in my nicest, like, my dog just pooped on your thing voice. CHRIS: Yep. And there is an overturned table that used to have stuff on it, but there are just, like, empty plates and things now lying across the floor. There are food smears on the floor, there is a cupboard that was sort of smashed open with her beak, where she pulled the cake out of. HOLLY: Oh. CHRIS: She is just going to town on this place. HOLLY: Is there any more cake on the fl– How big is this cake? CHRIS: It was a good-sized cake, she’s eaten about half of it. HOLLY: I am going to just eat a piece, because I want one. HOLLY: I am like: “It’s good!”
CHRIS: Yep. CHRIS: More guards show up, but when they realize that you seem to have, you seem to have quelled the ferocious beast, they are not… They are concerned, but they don’t take any aggressive action. HOLLY: Well, uh, put it on the tab of Acquisitions Incorporated. HOLLY: Omin Dran. Please. JARED: Yep. They’ll be able to take care of everything.
HOLLY: They’ll be able to take care of everything and they are so sorry. JERRY: Why-y-y? JARED: They also frequently like to give apology tithes. So feel free to ask for a little extra. They totally understand. JERRY: This is not on brand. This is not the brand. HOLLY: And they are big animal advocates. So, just so you know. They love owlbears. “Come, Waffles!”, and will just like lead her. CHRIS: Okay. She seems at this point fed enough and content enough to follow you. HOLLY: I am so sorry, Waffles. I will, like, ruffle her feathers. HOLLY: It’s been a… It’s been a long couple of days.
CHRIS: Yep, she’ll follow you through the house, up the stairs to the upper floor. CHRIS: Paultin, you hear somebody outside. Heavy footfalls. JARED: Diath is struggling to hide his jubilance, and giggling at himself after totally just putting that all Acq. Inc. CHRIS: And Paultin, you can hear through the door Diath’s and Strix’s voice. They are back out there now and laughing about something, you are not sure. NATHAN: But I do hear they are laughing.
CHRIS: Yes. NATHAN: Nice, okay. That could still be bad though. JARED: We are laughing together. JERRY: Could be a laughing spell. NATHAN: Like, they could be laughing out of fear. Things are going horribly wrong. That’s probably what it is. HOLLY: Yeah, you can tell it’s not Strix’s fear laugh. That one is definitely more succinct. NATHAN: Okay. NATHAN: All right. They are fine.
CHRIS: Okay. CHRIS: An hour later, the spells works, Omin. Your final gesticulations pass over the cobbled together construct body of Evelyn, lying on the mat that you laid out. JERRY: At the end I snap a couple times at Paultin and point. But, like, not necessarily to be rude, just because my mouth is a part of the spell. CHRIS: Mhm.
NATHAN: Also, Paultin probably fell asleep halfway through. JERRY: He is just… He is asleep in the plant. JERRY: It’s providing that gentle support. JERRY: But no, I want, I’ve done this before.
CHRIS: You have. JERRY: And if you come to, and you don’t recognize the person there, it just creates problems. CHRIS: So, um. Just to… Paultin, make a, what’s your passive Wisdom (Perception)? NATHAN: I believe…
CHRIS: You know what, just make a Perception check. NATHAN: Yeah.
CHRIS: Yeah. NATHAN: O-oh. Can we go back to the passive Wisdom thing? That’s a, that was a five. CHRIS: Yeah, he is out. Omin, you can’t wake him with the snap of your fingers. CHRIS: So, as the radiant light of Tymora — CHRIS: — over these remains, they are stitched together magically. And before your eyes, Omin, something that has never happened before happens. As the pieces come together, there is almost like a golden thread, that weaves through them, joining them up into a cohesive whole. And as pieces all merge and they all come together as one, that construct body is replaced with flesh. And what you see lying before you as the magic subsides is a flesh and blood woman, with golden locks. JERRY: I apologize immediately to Paultin. JERRY: I say: “I don’t… I assure you I performed the spell properly. I have no idea how your friend came to be replaced by this terrifying creature. CHRIS: Evelyn, this is the voice that you hear, as you enter this world.
ANNA: Oh my god! JERRY: And I say: “I don’t want you to be alarmed, but something has happened to your body. Something that may surprise and terrify you.” CHRIS: And because this is a Raise Dead spell, Evelyn, you awaken with one hit point. So you feel a little bit weak and drained. The other thing that happens to you is, it feels like you’ve been in a long sleep. You have no heavenly memories whatsoever. ANNA: So li– Woah. ANNA: The last thing I remember is the battle?
CHRIS: Yes. ANNA: Oh my. ANNA: Oh my!
CHRIS: Yeah, you get the feeling that you were doing something right before this. Something important, but you don’t know what it is. That and whoever you were between the battle and now is not in your head. ANNA: So, and I don’t even… I don’t know the Soulmonger, nothing? CHRIS: That is correct. ANNA: Uh, so I guess Omin is leaning over and saying this.
CHRIS: Yeah. ANNA: And she just kind of, like, she is like, you know, weak and confused, and she just puts a hand on his face, kind of just, like, padding his cheeks, like, trying to figure out who he is. JERRY: I try and you are willing to… I mean, you can tell me if this succeeds, Chris. JERRY: I try to convert this face grab…
CHRIS: Yeah. JERRY: … into like an awkward high-five. CHRIS: Outstanding. CHRIS: And as he sort of high-fives your hand, before it hits his face in a very awkward way, you can see around his neck, correct me if I am wrong, Jerry, but you do wear a holy symbol of Tymora, correct? JERRY: Absolutely. CHRIS: You see a symbol that is of a faith not your own. ANNA: I recognize it as Tymora, right?
CHRIS: You do. ANNA: I am about to say something about that when I notice my own hand, I think. CHRIS: Yes, you would see your flesh hand. ANNA: Yeah.
CHRIS: Yeah. ANNA: And immediately just, like, a sob, and tears, and she starts like touching her body, and, like, slapping her face, and, like, her eyes are all bright. And she is looking, and she is like: “I’m. You. I. What. How. Did?” JERRY: Yes.
ANNA: Also, what is she wearing? JERRY: Not much. CHRIS: She, she would be wearing…
ANNA: What she was wearing as a construct? CHRIS: Yeah, basically. ANNA: Okay, so basically same clothes.
CHRIS: Yep. ANNA: Cool, um… CHRIS: Although, you are looking pretty shoddy, because they haven’t… You haven’t been sort of cleaned with Prestidigitation spell since you fought in that battle. ANNA: So it’s all burny?
CHRIS: It’s burny and bloody, from where you were sort of… CHRIS: Or not bloody, but tarnished and torn, and yeah.
ANNA: Yeah. ANNA: I’ll deal with that in a second. JARED: Would her armor have the same embellishments as she got when she received Lathander’s blessing. CHRIS: Those are present.
ANNA: Cool. JARED: Okay.
CHRIS: Yes. ANNA: So, the bracers and breastplate are like…
CHRIS: That’s correct. ANNA: … buff mode.
CHRIS: Yep. ANNA: Anyway, so once she kind of has that moment, she is like… ANNA: She recognizes Tymora, right? She would know? CHRIS: Oh, yes.
ANNA: Because I can do a religion check. CHRIS: No, you don’t have to make a check. CHRIS: It’s a very, very well known, famous deity.
JERRY: Very famous. ANNA: I think Lathander and Tymora had a thing at one point too, right? CHRIS: Well, you know, they are both champions of, you know, positive things? ANNA: Weren’t they, like, romantically involved at some point? Did I make that up? CHRIS: Oh, well, you know, gods don’t talk. ANNA: I just… So.
CHRIS: But, yes, there is no animosity between the two temples whatsoever. ANNA: Yeah. She is like: “Ah! Holy friend of Tymora! Have you brought me back to life? And why?! And who are you? And hello! I am Evelyn. And nice to meet you!” JERRY: I say: “I do not have that power, but Holy Tymora does. And technically this person, I don’t know, how you feel about him. I am gesturing over at Paultin. CHRIS: You see Paultin’s slumped body, sort of head gleaning in a pot, a potted plant. NATHAN: Oh, I thought I was up at that point. CHRIS: Oh, uh…
JERRY: No, I snapped, but maybe you didn’t wake up. CHRIS: You didn’t wake up.
JERRY: But that’s how it should be. JERRY: That’s how it should be.
CHRIS: You didn’t wake up. NATHAN: Okay. Cool, cool. ANNA: So, she, like, peeks behind Omin and sees Paultin and then she is like… She, like, fangirls super hard, and hides back behind Omin and she is like: “He asked you to bring me back?” JERRY: Yeah, yeah. I mean, there is more people. I’ll go get them. JERRY: Um, and can I tell from anything about her raiment? Like what type of profession she is? CHRIS: You’d bet, you’d bet money on that she is a paladin of Lathander. JERRY: Oh, I stand up immediately and put a hand down, like I would to a soldier on a field. CHRIS: All right. JERRY: And raise her up to her full height. CHRIS: Okay. She is considerably smaller than you. CHRIS: But, as you pull her up and she grips your hand, you are astonished by the strength in that grip. JERRY: Good. It seems like the resurrection took. JERRY: I’ll just say that out loud. I’ll say: “Looks like this resurrection took.” CHRIS: And then you say it again louder, so they can hear you outside. CHRIS: It seems this resurrection took!
JERRY: Took! ANNA: You are, you are very blessed and powerful! ANNA: My name is Evelyn. By what name may I call you, mighty, mighty servant of Tymora. JERRY: Ah, well, it’s really more important that you remember the brand. JERRY: And that is Acquisitions Incorporated. ANNA: Brand.
JERRY: No doubt you’ve heard of it. ANNA: No.
HOLLY: Strix would have told you. JERRY: I say: “We perform miracles daily.” ANNA: She forgot.
HOLLY: Probably. ANNA: Daily miracles?!
JERRY: Daily miracles. JERRY: And at a fraction of the price of many other people who offer these services. ANNA: Are you a church? CHRIS: The doors throw open.
JERRY: Some say so. CHRIS: Diath and Strix, you heard the commotion inside now. CHRIS: As the light of the hallway falls on Paultin, Paultin you are awakened as well. JARED: Oh, Waffles is with us too. CHRIS: Yeah. And then Waffles come barreling in to you, Evelyn. CHRIS: And sort of throws her weight upon you. ANNA: Baby girl! CHRIS: And as you are sort of petting her, and she is like slobbering all over you, all this cake is sort of splashing on your… JERRY: And the frosting.
CHRIS: And the frosting, and, you know, all of it. ANNA: Even in that moment, Evelyn does take a moment to go like: “Argh, uh.” CHRIS: Argh, uh, blargh. ANNA: But she moves back. In a moment of resurrection, I guess, those things are not as important. CHRIS: Waffle’s tongue, her sandpaper-like tongue smells super smooth right now. ANNA: As soon as she kind of, like, gets control of Waffles, she kind of peeks out from behind her and she is just like staring wide-eyed at her friends, and there is just tears in her eyes. And you can tell she is trying to speak, which is, it’s rare that she can’t speak when she tries, but she is just overcome with emotion. Just eyes glistening. JARED: Diath, as soon as… He just kind of moves forward. And actually goes and, without even saying it, just gleeful cheers, hugs Evelyn for just the briefest of seconds. And then afterwards, reaches out his hand and forearm to grip hers. ANNA: Yes.
JARED: And then do that. JARED: Yeah. HOLLY: And then Strix is going to run up and hug both of them at the same time. JERRY: A double hug scenario?
HOLLY: A double hug! CHRIS: So, uh, Evelyn, you forgot just how bad Strix smells. ANNA: She is like: “I can smell you! Woah, I can smell you.” HOLLY: And she, like, hugs Evelyn as she just, like, cries, like: “Oh, no! You are a person again! I am sorry, I smell really bad!” ANNA: It’s okay. It brings back good memories? HOLLY: And she turns and she hugs Diath too. And she is like: “I am happy for this too. I am happy we are all not dead.” And then she runs over to Paultin, and she is like: “Get out of the planter!” CHRIS: Yeah, he is probably up now. But he’s probably got a few grains of soil stuck on one side of his face. JERRY: Yeah, exactly. NATHAN: So, Paultin… So, Paultin, like, gets up and he sees this and sees Evelyn and just like… Nope. Nope, nope, nope. Nope. And he starts to like… And just, like, kind of walks away, like, slapping himself like a crazy person. NATHAN: Like: “Nope. Nope. Nope.”
ANNA: What is he doing? CHRIS: He is now out in the hallway, slapping himself. JERRY: You can still hear him. NATHAN: Nope. Nope. Nope. ANNA: Dang it. Did he… He didn’t want me to come back? JARED: Uh, no. I don’t think that’s what it is, Evelyn. ANNA: He didn’t want me to come back as a human? ANNA: I know, it’s kind of probably a weaker body.
JERRY: Can someone tell me? JERRY: I just, I mean, you know, I feel like we should be on pretty good terms right now. JERRY: What was with that? Why was the slapping… JARED: It’s a need-to-know basis, Omin. HOLLY: That’s a good one, actually. JARED: Evelyn, why don’t you just, why don’t you just go say hi to him. ANNA: Just go say hi? I mean I was kind of just dead a minute ago, and he just… HOLLY: Strix is kind of pushing her. CHRIS: Okay.
ANNA: Okay. CHRIS: As you are being sort of pushed across the polished floor, you see next to the mat that you woke up on, there is another mat, and there is the burned, charred remains of Simon. ANNA: Uh, that shocks her. Because he wasn’t dead when she died. ANNA: Right? CHRIS: Right. Correct.
HOLLY: Oops. Sorry. ANNA: She sees this and just… ANNA: Falls to her knees.
HOLLY: Oh, no, he’ll be back. It’s fine. HOLLY: We have another… It’s fine. CHRIS: You are still… She is still pushing you while you are on your knees, across the polished floor. ANNA: Our son is dead! JARED: No, it’s not what it is. HOLLY: No, this was my fault. It was my fault! CHRIS: You’ve been pushed out into the hall, on your knees. HOLLY: I close the door behind her.
CHRIS: Paultin is standing at the far end of the hall now. ANNA: She is just leaning on the door like: “My so-o-on!” HOLLY: Strix is going to make eyes at Omin, like… HOLLY: Do this one! HOLLY: She can cry now! It’s a luxury. ANNA: She is really making use of that, she’s been crying, like, the whole time. JERRY: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I, um… Yeah. I wonder what the best play is here. JERRY: So, the next scene is her out in the hallway with Paultin then, right?
CHRIS: Correct. JERRY: Okay. Do that first.
CHRIS: All right. NATHAN: Paultin is still just at the end of the hall by himself. He is just sitting there and he is like: “Nope!”, and he is just, like, throwing back his wine. CHRIS: You see at the other end of the hall, Evelyn pushed out through the doors, with Strix, crying about her son, and the two of you lock eyes. ANNA: She runs to him and she is like: “I am so sorry, it should have been me! I am so sorry!” NATHAN: Nope!
CHRIS: She comes running down the hall. NATHAN: When she gets to me…
CHRIS: Yes. NATHAN: I am going to have to be like: “Nope, nope. Because stop right there. I’ve got this down to a science. I’ve figured this out, and I am really tired of it. Because every time I have this dream that you are back, and everything is great, and everyone is happy, it’s the way it’s supposed to be. But that, I know that shit does not happen in this campaign ever! So, I figured it out. So, I just drink myself into oblivion, and then I am like: “Oh, I am in a dream, I can control it.” So I am going to go ahead and I don’t know, like, walk on the ceiling. NATHAN: I am going to try and, like, ninja, like, walk up the wall.
CHRIS: Yeah, you don’t get very far. NATHAN: Do I just fall flat on my ass?
CHRIS: You fall flat on your back. NATHAN: And just like… That… That usually works. Why didn’t it work? NATHAN: Why?
ANNA: She kind of sits down, and she, like, peers over him. ANNA: She is like: “What happened?” NATHAN: And so, like, I kind of, like, reach out and just, like, start padding her head, and be like… NATHAN: Oh. Is… It… You are… real? ANNA: Hello. NATHAN: And he’s just, like, choked up. Tears, like, well up a little bit, and he, like, brings himself up, and he sits next to her, and he is like: “But y–… You were… And… And then the cur– ANNA: I am sorry. I know that you would have wanted Simon instead. NATHAN: Not… It’s not… It’s… *clears throat* He, like, *breathes in*, and puts a hand on her shoulder, and is like: “It’s good to have you back.” ANNA: Thanks.
NATHAN: And then he gets up. NATHAN: He is like: “There is still more work”, and he just slowly starts walking back toward the room. ANNA: Could you tell me what happened? She is just sitting there in the middle of the hallway, like… CHRIS: He is walking back to the room, yep. ANNA: Yeah, she sat down. Paultin had, like, a breakdown. She doesn’t understand why. She doesn’t know how long she’s been dead, or why Simon is dead, or why she is wearing all these burned clothes. She doesn’t know anything, so she is just sitting there like: “Could someone just explain something to me for once? Could you just… Just, you know…” NATHAN: I, like, stop. NATHAN: She… Are you still, like, sitting?
CHRIS: Yeah. ANNA: Yeah. She is just sitting cross-legged, like… Evelyn never gets really frustrated, usually she is like: “Everything is fine”. But right now she is like: “Could you just maybe, you know… Hm?” NATHAN: Um, he turns around. And just reaches out a hand to help her up. ANNA: She gets up. NATHAN: And then just, like, pulls her up. And then just pulls her in for a good hug. And he just says… He says: “You are back now. That’s all that matters. Now let’s go.” ANNA: Your chest is so soft. Have you ever felt fabric? It feels so good? ANNA: You know what it’s like to not feel anything for like a year, and then suddenly feel every– And I can hear your heartbeat. Oh, that sounds nice. NATHAN: He is just like: “Physically, no. So, let’s go ahead and go. Okay?” ANNA: She doesn’t let go. She is like: “This is so nice.” CHRIS: All right. You walk back sort of half-hugging, half, sort of, bracing each other, down the hallway. The rest of you can see them now standing in the doorway, arm in arm. JERRY: I say: “This is their son?” HOLLY: No. No.
NATHAN: He is adopted. HOLLY: He fell out of a rag, never mind. It doesn’t matter.
NATHAN: He is adopted. HOLLY: Things are very different here, Omin. I am sorry. JERRY: Yeah. Yeah, it’s c– ANNA: — our family’s lifestyle? JERRY: I say: “Would it be meaningful to have you be the first people he sees?” HOLLY: It would be those two. JERRY: All right. Everybody else can go. ANNA: I whisper to Paultin like: “Do you want me to be there?” NATHAN: Yeah. You should probably be there.
ANNA: Okay. JERRY: Okay. So, I try to make the ritual as multiplayer as possible, Chris. CHRIS: Okay. Giving everybody things to do.
JERRY: Exactly. JERRY: Different tasks, arrangements, applications of oils. CHRIS: Yep. You hold this candle, you hold this oil. JERRY: Exactly. Like any other religious ritual, there is always ways to make it co-op.
CHRIS: Absolutely. Absolutely, yes. CHRIS: You can essentially divvy up the roles to account for everybody. Give everybody something to do. JERRY: And that’s exactly what I do.
CHRIS: Okay. CHRIS: So, Paultin, Omin hands you a candle and you are like: “Oh, yep. I know how to use this.” CHRIS: And you get a small little censer to swing around, Strix, which has some smoke coming out of it. HOLLY: Oh, I have a lot of fun with that. CHRIS: Yeah.
HOLLY: Just swinging it around like: “Oooh.” JERRY: If she is ever having too much fun, Chris….
CHRIS: Yep. JERRY: She gets The Glare. HOLLY: O-oh. She is starting to, like, use like… She is like using Prestidigitation to turn the smoke into, like, little things and stuff. Like little skulls and… JERRY: Well, no. Skulls is fine. And swinging is fine. That’s what it’s for. But if you ever swing it one full rotation. HOLLY: Oh, she did. She did.
JERRY: Yeah, she got the glare. CHRIS: Yep. You pull out a little prayer book and you make Diath hold it up in front of you and flip pages as you are talking, on cue. JARED: Yeah, cool. CHRIS: And then you are not exactly sure what to do with Evelyn, so you kind of hand her a triangle and just let her ting it. CHRIS: Every…
ANNA: She does her very best to predict when she is supposed to do that. JERRY: Ting when the ting is appropriate. ANNA: Yeah, because she thinks this is a very important part of the ritual. And she doesn’t want to seem like she doesn’t get the god stuff as much as Omin does, you know. ANNA: So she is like… And not trying to, like, look like it. Like, genuinely trying to perceive when the right ting moments are. Just learning from the master. JERRY: Roughly twenty percent of the tings, Chris…
CHRIS: Yes. JERRY: … get the thumbs up.
CHRIS: Very good. She looks very pleased by this. She, like, feels a little comradery. JERRY: And then I try to indicate that that was the one. Like, that was the ting that he heard across space and time. CHRIS: Mhm.
ANNA: She just whispers to herself like: “I was born for this.” CHRIS: Yes. Anyway, because of all this care to involve them all, your one hour ritual actually takes more like an hour and eleven minutes. HOLLY: At one point Strix throws the censer too far.
CHRIS: She just hits herself in the head with it. HOLLY: Yeah, part of her hat catches on fire. CHRIS: And she is trying to stomp it out while not distracting anybody. Eventually it just doesn’t go out, so she has to, like, stand on it. HOLLY: Yeah. Yeah, just… She is just on fire.
CHRIS: Yep, okay. CHRIS: Fortunately you are a tiefling, so. HOLLY: It’s fine.
CHRIS: You can stand there on fire and not disturb anybody for an hour. CHRIS: Ah, yes. So, when the ritual is ended and the light of Tymora sort of washes away the burns all over this puppet, this halfling-sized puppet, you can see that most of the wood of his body, and other components are kind of restored by the magic. And as the light subsides, however, unlike Evelyn, he is still a construct. JERRY: A wooden boy.
CHRIS: A wooden boy. CHRIS: And he is missing, he is still missing all of his burnt away clothes. So he is a naked wooden boy. And a not anatomically correct one either. CHRIS: And…
HOLLY: Oh, thank god. CHRIS: But his eyes do flick open and you can see he’s got his hinged mouth again. CHRIS: And…
HOLLY: This was a mistake. JERRY: When his eyes open I say: “You have good friends, boy.” He shoots you with a dart that comes out of his mouth. ANNA: Simon! Bad boy! Bad boy! CHRIS: He rolled a sixteen on the die, which is going to be a twenty-two to hit. JERRY: That definitely hits. CHRIS: Right in the throat. CHRIS: Uh, make…
JARED: Is it a death one?! CHRIS: Make a Constitution saving throw. ANNA: We don’t shoot those who are saving our lives! NATHAN: Do we see the dart? CHRIS: You see it fly out of his mouth and stick Omin as he is leaning over Simon, right underneath the chin. NATHAN: I see that and I am just like: “We still got that scroll, right?” JERRY: No, I… I actually murdered this one, Chris.
CHRIS: Okay. CHRIS: Uh, yeah. So the dart sticks in you. You take one point of piercing damage and you take… No other effect. CHRIS: You just kind of reel back.
ANNA: Evelyn just kind of, like, grabs the dart and goes *ploop*, and pulls it out. ANNA: She is like: “Sorry.”
CHRIS: A little bit of blood comes down Omin’s neck. ANNA: He’s had some behavior problems. NATHAN: We mentioned he is adopted. He is also like a killing tool. An adopted killing tool. JERRY: Mmm. Yes. Well, Strix if there is nothing else. ANNA: Please don’t leave so soon. We have so much to talk about. ANNA: I’d like to know more about this Church of Acquisitions…
CHRIS: You pull out an Acquisitions Inc. stamped hanky and just sort of dab your neck with it. JERRY: Yeah. NATHAN: Paultin is just like: “That’s some good branding.” HOLLY: Like I said, Omin. If you ever need our help, just ask. Maybe don’t summon me. Just ask. JERRY: I say: “No promises…” — JERRY: Pinch her on the arm.
HOLLY: Ow, that hurt. JERRY: I say: “I would keep an eye on your mail.” HOLLY: The what? JERRY: Letter. Do you know about letters? HOLLY: Talking about, like, the hat? What came out of… The letter of the hat? JERRY: Yes. HOLLY: Yeah. That, yeah. JERRY: Yeah, yeah. You may feel another letter poking into the top of your hat soon. HOLLY: Oh. All right. JERRY: Well, this one will be a choice, Strix. HOLLY: Good! Because I want to help. JARED: What the hell does it even mean? HOLLY: I don’t know. Don’t look at me. HOLLY: It means I’ll help. ANNA: Maybe… I know he just shot you with a dart. But maybe if you could just, like, wait a few minutes, and we can kind of calm him down a little bit… ANNA: We could all hang out.
CHRIS: Simon just sort of sits up and spins his head 360 degrees around. ANNA: Isn’t he cute when he does that.
JERRY: No. CHRIS: To take everything in. Everything in. HOLLY: No he is not.
CHRIS: His eyes are sort of looking around as his head is spinning around. CHRIS: And once it comes back around and resets, he just sort of flexes his fingers, puts his hand up against his mouth, and then gets up to his feet and holds out a hand for Paultin. JERRY: Aww.
HOLLY: Oh, he doesn’t have his mouth. Oh, thank god. NATHAN: Paultin takes his hand just, like: “I’ve missed you, my boy.” CHRIS: He’ll sort of come in and hug you. NATHAN: Aww. ANNA: Evelyn is like *aww*. NATHAN: Before Omin goes I am going to walk up to him.
JERRY: Yeah. NATHAN: And like: “You.”
JERRY: Yeah. NATHAN: I know we are a unique bunch, to say the least. JERRY: I say: “Honestly, this is a refreshing change of pace.” NATHAN: That is the nicest thing anyone… But… Thank you. JERRY: I hold my hand out. Because I can tell this is heartfelt, so I want to skip to the part that he can understands, which is where the hands touch each other. JERRY: And I give it a good shake. And I say: “I’ll be in touch.” NATHAN: You do that. ANNA: Do you think we could, like, stay in touch? You know, I would love to, like, learn more about this Church of Acquisitions, it sounds real interesting. And you are quite skilled. I’d love to learn… HOLLY: I have my mail hat. JERRY: Yeah, you’d like it the most. And I turn over and I say: “We didn’t always see a hundred percent eye to eye, Dorth. JERRY: But I feel like…
JARED: Diath. JERRY: I feel like by the end we were getting to a place where we wouldn’t absolutely, one hundred percent revile each other. And, you know… NATHAN: Paultin is playing, like, the most romantic music on his mandolin during this. JERRY: That’s not nothing, you know. That’s not nothing. JARED: I can’t deny what I owe you. And that sickens me. JARED: But I also… At least, I consider myself an honorable person. Though my opinion of you has only had the gentlest bettering, I still prefer if we don’t cross paths. JERRY: Two things. JERRY: You are a four out of ten at max. But you’ve got growth potential, and as a manager I have to respect that. Second, I know exactly what your name is. And that’s when I leave. HOLLY: Oh my god. CHRIS: All right.
ANNA: Woah. NATHAN: Like, as he leaves, Paultin walks up to Diath and goes: “He’ll come around, buddy. Just you wait.” JARED: He’ll brush the hand off: “I don’t want him to.” HOLLY: I don’t like it when people fight. JERRY: Dungeons & Dragons is a great game, everybody. CHRIS: Simon’s there and he’s just, like, counting fingers. One, two, three, four. And he holds them up to Diath. ANNA: That’s four! That’s right! Good job. JERRY: Good boy. JARED: From all of this, Diath actually notices how much everyone else around him actively respects Omin. JERRY: Oh, no. ANNA: As he walks out, Evelyn leans over Diath’s shoulder and is like: “Will you tell me what’s going on?” JARED: Yes, Evelyn. I will tell you everything you need to know. ANNA: He seems real nice, why are you so mean to him? NATHAN: I’ve been wondering. JARED: Because I hate everything that he is and what he represents. ANNA: That church sounds real nice. Acquisitions Incorporated. ANNA: Gathering souls for the ride, you know, hiring them. JARED: No, that’s just flowery language. That is no church. That is a… ANNA: They have a nice logo though. NATHAN: Promotion spot on. NATHAN: I mean, I can’t deny that. JERRY: Listen to the brand message, wow. ANNA: Very consistent.
NATHAN: Check out Acq. Inc., link in the description. JERRY: Exactly, exactly. Desecrate that like button.
CHRIS: Yep. JERRY: As always, Waffle Crew, DCA, thanks so much for letting me come back on the show. CHRIS: Absolutely. Thank you, Jerry. CHRIS: Thank you.
JERRY: Glad I could provide a service. CHRIS: Yes, this was great.
JERRY: Any time. JERRY: Any time you need help.
CHRIS: This was so much fun. Yes. JERRY: And Chris, I have got stuff I need these people to do, and I will send you an email after the game. CHRIS: Thank you, please do. I can’t wait. CHRIS: Thanks, Jerry! CHRIS: All right. So, with Omin’s departure, the Waffle Crew is now reunited. What would you all like to do? JARED: Uh, Diath explains everything to Evelyn. CHRIS: Okay. JARED: He explains to her how she was felled, how she was gone for however long, and how much it affected Paultin and all of us. And what we had went through, and how she saved us all from… It was clearly her who stopped the death curse. And everything that we went through to return her here. Because she needs to be here with us. ANNA: That… CHRIS: This takes probably a good, little over an hour.
JARED: Hours. Yeah. CHRIS: There is probab– Like, the morning sun has come up. JARED: — a lot of questions during. It slows down the process a lot.
CHRIS: Yep. HOLLY: Strix is asleep in a corner.
CHRIS: So is Waffles. HOLLY: With Waffles. Just, like, a pile of rags. CHRIS: Yeah, Waffles basically has entered the owlbear’s biggest sugar coma. HOLLY: Strix is just, like, clutching the spellbook. CHRIS: Yep.
HOLLY: Right next to Waffles. Just like… HOLLY: Like, maybe if she sleeps with it she’ll understand it. CHRIS: Right.
JARED: Wait. So before Omin left did we, like, get our rings back and stuff? Or… CHRIS: No. HOLLY: I think they were like absorbed.
JARED: Or were they, like, I guess used? I don’t know. CHRIS: It’s possible they were used in the ritual. They didn’t seem to be used. CHRIS: But — with the other accoutrements. When he packed up everything, his prayer book and everything, they were shuffled off with it. JARED: God fucking dammit. NATHAN: Oh.
JARED: Diath actually, like, hits a wall. ANNA: You guys lost those rings I gave you with my soul in them? You lost those? HOLLY: No! They were meant to resurrect you. I am asleep, wait, sorry. Going back to my spellbook. NATHAN: He is really good. JARED: There is always extra payment when it comes to Omin Dran. CHRIS: Well, you know, they are called Acquisitions Inc. NATHAN: I would still have the family ring though, right?
CHRIS: You do have that. You never parted with it. NATHAN: Oh, I still have this though. So there is that. NATHAN: It’s pretty great.
ANNA: Oh, you still have that. That’s nice. NATHAN: Yeah, it’s nice.
ANNA: Yeah. NATHAN: Great, cool.
ANNA: You know, just a signet ring. NATHAN: Yeah. CHRIS: As the sun rises and the city comes alive in the morning you can hear birds outside by the thousands, you can hear people down in the streets, the marching of dinosaurs about, and other beasts of burden. JARED: So, I suppose the next morning after a nice breakfast and the like…
CHRIS: Mhm, yeah. HOLLY: A breakfast? What are we eating for breakfast?! CHRIS: That’s actually…
JARED: Oh my gosh. CHRIS: Actually, the breakfast is not served, because after the servants ran away, they didn’t come back. CHRIS: So.
JARED: Okay. HOLLY: Then Strix will go into the cupboards and find things that she can manifest into food for everyone. CHRIS: You basically put a table back, right a table, and put a bunch of bowls and stuff on there, bring out a bunch of ingredients and kind of whip something up. HOLLY: Yeah. JARED: So, with that Diath will just tell everyone… CHRIS: Throw in a ghoul tongue.
HOLLY: That makes it spicy. Jared; Diath will remind everyone of his original barter of making this map to the jungles of Chult. And that they can use that. JARED: We have passage home. We can go back to Waterdeep. We can go home. HOLLY: That can’t be real. The ship will sink or something. JARED: Oh. Hopefully not. But, Evelyn is here, so we should be all right. HOLLY: That’s true. ANNA: Evelyn is, like, has a lot to process. She is kind of like… She has no idea how she was involved in stopping the Soulmonger. So she keeps being like: “Are you sure? How do you know?” JARED: There is no other explanation. ANNA: But how…
HOLLY: We got better. ANNA: Is Evelyn’s body exactly the same as she remembers it? CHRIS: Pretty much, yeah. I mean you were a construct for a good long time, but your body feels like it kind of did back before you became a construct. Maybe even better. You are very healthy and hale at the moment. CHRIS: Once you’ve regained all your hit points of course. Which you did. JARED: Yeah, we all took a long rest and… Yeah.
CHRIS: Yeah. NATHAN: Paultin has been just kind of, like, sitting there. Like with the expression of, like, that lady trying to do, like, all the math. HOLLY: The math lady!
NATHAN: The math lady. NATHAN: He is just like… And that’s it. HOLLY: Oh, also Strix will give her Juniper back, *ploop*. CHRIS: Oh, yeah. You have a welcome reunion. ANNA: Juniper! I hope she is fatter than she was. Is she? JARED: Probably.
HOLLY: I mean, probably, there is all kinds of garbage in Strix’s robes. CHRIS: Yeah, she is probably…
ANNA: Did you have a good time? CHRIS: She is probably also, like, just black with soot. ANNA: You need a bath! ANNA: I would also like a bath. But I would like to know… CHRIS: Oh, yeah. You haven’t bathed in a long time.
ANNA: Yes. ANNA: Because, especially now that I am a human and have flesh instead of metal, I remember how gross it feels when you don’t take baths. And it is quite gross. HOLLY: I don’t think so. ANNA: Maybe you should try it some time. ANNA: Can I give you… Do you want a makeover? HOLLY: Aargh! She runs away. ANNA: But how long did all of this take? JARED: How long did all of this take? Give or take, Chris. There was a lot of travel in there. CHRIS: Yeah, it’s been… Maybe a couple months? JARED: Shit. ANNA: And… There were a few problems when I left. Like, Shemeshka and getting her things to her. HOLLY: Oh, yeah. We have those things.
JARED: We got her items, that’s right. HOLLY: We should… We could call her.
JARED: No, she can come for them. HOLLY: I don’t think she does that. JARED: Well. Until then, Strix, you keep learning everything you can about that book and those spectacles. HOLLY: You can tell that she can’t. She is just like… You can tell that she just has, like, no idea what to do with the book. JARED: Diath will reach into his pouch and remove the spectacles, and also hand those over to Strix. JARED: Anything you can discern or learn, we need to know this. HOLLY: If she puts the spectacles on, can she read the book? CHRIS: When you put the spectacles on and you try to read the book, it is as foreign as it was before. They don’t seem to help. But I will let you make an Intelligence (Arcana) check, now that you can inspect the spectacles and wear them as such. HOLLY: All right. Uh… Wait. Eighteen. CHRIS: You think that these spectacles, they are not magical per se, but there is something odd about them that you can sense immediately. And being who you are from where you are, you would put money on the fact that the spectacles are a gate key. HOLLY: Okay. I’d scream that. CHRIS: Ah, they are the key! HOLLY: Yeah, yeah. And take them off.
JARED: As she, like, tosses it and Diath, like, catches it, inches from the ground. HOLLY: Yeah, yeah. Exactly.
ANNA: A gate key to where? CHRIS: That you are not sure of.
HOLLY: We don’t know. HOLLY: It’s bad probably. CHRIS: But your friends probably don’t even know what a gate key is. HOLLY: I mean, we did go through one once. Within the pine tree. CHRIS: That’s true.
ANNA: Well, I mean. I just assume there is a gate and there is a key to it. HOLLY: And she is trying to explain it, and you guys probably saw the math lady, it’s fine. HOLLY: She will just pick the glasses back up, and just put them in the robes. CHRIS: Okay. ANNA: Okay. So we have those, and apparently I did something to the Soulmonger. ANNA: Which is cool.
JARED: You must have. ANNA: I wish that I knew. Hopefully Lathander will see fit to explain it to me. ANNA: Along with many other things. Lathander? JARED: You really don’t remember anything? ANNA: I don’t remember anything. I remember the tentacle monster and then *poof*, here. JARED: Huh. HOLLY: It was, uh, gruesome. ANNA: What happened, Strix? What happened to Simon? HOLLY: Okay, well. So you were ripped apart by the monster, and then your head rolled on the ground in front of us. Which was super gross. And then I tried to animate you, and Paultin was like: “Don’t do that!”, and I was like: “Oh, why? That’s weird.” HOLLY: And then, I accidentally tried to Fireball the monster, and then the Fireball ricochet back and killed Simon, and it was my fault. Sorry, Simon. ANNA: He is fine. ANNA: Okay, so did you guys end up killing that thing? HOLLY: Paultin killed it. It was awesome. JARED: I couldn’t do anything. Yeah, Paultin went up there and I couldn’t even see what… It was loud, and then it was just gone. JARED: Oh. That reminds me. JARED: Remember those clones of us?
ANNA: No. JARED: Did we tell you about that?
ANNA: No. What clones? ANNA: What?
JARED: Uh, yeah. JARED: Some evil hags.
ANNA: Hags?! HOLLY: Oh, yeah, she doesn’t know about that either.
ANNA: Why doesn’t anyone tell me anything? CHRIS: Quite the little bubble you’ve been in, Evelyn.
HOLLY: Apparently Shemeshka has a part of Diath’s soul in a box. That’s weird. ANNA: Soul?! In a box?! What hags? What clones? Why? JARED: Diath goes into, with as little detail as possible, that the deal with the hags, how they acquired our, being able to create clones of us, them appearing, and us having a weird throwdown, and how that whatever spin-off of Paultin still exists out there in the world. ANNA: Do you mention just the clones of you guys? JARED: Oh, yeah, I’ll bring up the fact that there was this strangely… Servant of Shar, that… Man, it could have just been you in a different coat of paint. It was awful to see. ANNA: Shar? JARED: That’s what she said.
ANNA: I would never! JARED: I, I know you wouldn’t. HOLLY: Aargh, she got mad.
JARED: Who is Shar? ANNA: Who?
JARED: I, I don’t know who Shar is. ANNA: Only the lady of darkness and death and gross things that aren’t light and morning. HOLLY: Strix, like, looks at herself. ANNA: She likes to learn people’s secrets and then torture them with them. JARED: Oh.
ANNA: And she likes death and decay and the opposite of everything nice. NATHAN: Oh, Death. We met him. ANNA: What?! JARED: That’s right, we did!
HOLLY: Oh, yeah. We went that far. We met Death. ANNA: Why doesn’t anyone tell me anything?! HOLLY: Strix will walk up and give Evelyn, like, a snack. You can eat these now. These will make you feel better. ANNA: *Gasps*. What are they though? HOLLY: It’s a snickerdoodle.
CHRIS: A little thing she whipped up downstairs. ANNA: So, a nice one. Not something that went into your robe. HOLLY: No, no. Those are nice ones too, mostly. ANNA: She eats it and, like, tears spring to her eyes. She is like: “I love it.” HOLLY: See, everything is fine.
CHRIS: Make a saving throw. CHRIS: A Constitution saving throw, Evelyn.
HOLLY: What?! ANNA: Oh, no! HOLLY: But why? She washes her hands, Chris. ANNA: Should I use… I am going to use the die that Holly gave me.
CHRIS: Oh, please, yeah. HOLLY: Oh my gosh.
ANNA: Just in case. JARED: Here comes the one. ANNA: Yeah, this one, because she is not a construct anymore, so.
CHRIS: Right, yep. ANNA: It’s a twenty! CHRIS: Outstanding.
ANNA: That’s the first time I rolled that one. HOLLY: That’s awesome!
JARED: The same thing happened with the one that she gave me. ANNA: Holly, you are blessed.
HOLLY: I am just magic! CHRIS: Nice.
JARED: You need to buy us eighty more dice. ANNA: Yes, please. CHRIS: When you choke down that snickerdoodle thing, your tongue kind of goes a little numb for a moment. But it passes. ANNA: Is that how food was? HOLLY: And Strix is like: “Wait, did I put something wrong in it? I thought it was fine.” HOLLY: Did she put anything wrong? CHRIS: Not that you are aware of.
ANNA: Can I like do an Intelligence check to find out why that happened. HOLLY: Wait, maybe it was poisoned. CHRIS: Uh, nope. HOLLY: Wait. Was the food poisoned? Did someone try to poison us? ANNA: I rolled an Intelligence check, but I rolled a six, so, I don’t know..
CHRIS: Okay, yeah, no. HOLLY: Strix is like: “Evelyn! Spit that out!”
CHRIS: This is food that Strix prepared downstairs in the kitchen. JARED: Oh.
CHRIS: Using ingredients from the kitchen. JARED: Wait. So it wasn’t her snickety snooks, it was something that she made? HOLLY: Yeah.
JARED: What the hell. JARED: Strix, keep telling Evelyn about everything else. And Diath will start immediately investigating all the cupboards and everything, and just looking for any signs of… HOLLY: Strix will be talking about the really awkward hag baby situation and be like: “I don’t know why he was so adamant about it. It was so weird!” ANNA: Evelyn asks: “Oh, so of course you guys have already gone and gotten that Strahd doll back then?” ANNA: No?
CHRIS: Awkward. ANNA: What… What did you guys do? CHRIS: Diath, as you are searching around the kitchen, make a Perception check.
JARED: All righty. CHRIS: This is going to be a tough one. This is a hard one.
JARED: Hey, that’s pretty good. JARED: Did you say Perception?
CHRIS: Perception. JARED: Oh, fuck yeah, twenty-seven.
CHRIS: Okay. CHRIS: You can s– You search the… You can’t find anything in the… CHRIS: Strix probably left the kitchen a mess, for starters.
JARED: I am sure. CHRIS: Everything that she used is probably kind of out on the table or lying on the floor or somewhere. HOLLY: Yeah, there is things drawn in them.
CHRIS: Yeah, there is probably stuff stuck on the ceiling too. CHRIS: But as you are sort of searching around the floor and such, you do catch a glimpse of something which looks like somebody might have dropped it on the floor in haste, and it might have just rolled off to the side. CHRIS: Nobody… It would have taken a lot to notice it. But you got keen eyes. You pick it up right away. It’s a tiny vial about that big, with a little stopper in it, but it’s empty. But you can see as you pick it up and look at it, there is a residue inside it. It wasn’t completely drained. Somebody poured it out and left enough of a residue that it kind of settled. And the nature of it, the viscosity of it suggests it’s nothing you would normally find in a kitchen. JARED: Yeah. This would not belong in here. CHRIS: Right. And when you uncork it and you smell it, uh, there is something vile about it. JARED: What the hell? JARED: Diath will take this and return to the others.
CHRIS: Okay. JARED: Does anyone remember who this food was being prepared for? HOLLY: I mean, for us. For us.
JARED: Was it for us? CHRIS: Strix prepared it. Prepared the food for you guys. JARED: No, I mean… I mean the servants. HOLLY: No, we are the only people here.
JARED: Before we got here. CHRIS: Yep. HOLLY: It’s just us. CHRIS: You were told by the guards that this place is basically just held for important dignitaries. JARED: Who owns this building?
CHRIS: The merchant princes of Port Nyanzaru. ANNA: Did anyone come into the kitchen while you were making this, Strix? HOLLY: No-o-o? She just, like, starts crying. ANNA: Did you… Did you put any special ingredients in it?
HOLLY: No! I never do that, unless you ask! You know that! NATHAN: Wait, so you found that thing. You found that in the kitchen? JARED: Yeah. HOLLY: Someone is trying to kill us. Time to leave! NATHAN: Hold up. You found that in the kitchen. It was at the kitchen that Waffles was in? CHRIS: Mhm. HOLLY: Yeah, but Waffles is fine. Because this little vial, someone poured it into my cookies. HOLLY: Someone is poisoning my cookies! ANNA: I check on Waffles, is she fine? CHRIS: You turn and you see that she’s eaten the last of Strix’s cooking. ANNA: *Gasps* CHRIS: And she sort of looks at you sheepishly. HOLLY: I am sure she is fine.
ANNA: I attempt the owlbear Heimlich maneuver? CHRIS: That actually proves to be impossible with your short arms.
ANNA: I get on her and kick with my feet. CHRIS: She bats you away, *poot*. HOLLY: Strix will do just the, like, sticking your hand into the dog’s mouth. Like her whole arm into her mouth. CHRIS: Yeah, she just kind of clamps down.
HOLLY: Aaaargh! CHRIS: Not on your arm. She is just, like, a dog that won’t open its mouth. JARED: She is a big girl.
HOLLY: Strix is still screaming. JARED: She is a big girl, it might not even affect her.
HOLLY: She should be okay. JARED: If for some reason it can’t, Evelyn, you can purge poison. You did it to me before. ANNA: Yeah. She is like, she is just sitting next to her with her hand ready, like, hand at the ready to lay on. CHRIS: Right.
HOLLY: Someone… The more important thing is that someone is trying to kill us. JARED: The more important thing is that someone wants us dead. ANNA: Why?! I was just dead!
JARED: And we need to know who and why. HOLLY: Evelyn, we never get what we want in life. CHRIS: Diath and Paultin, you can make an Insight check. JARED: Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. NATHAN: Nine.
CHRIS: Nine. JARED: Eleven.
CHRIS: Okay. JARED: Paultin, you got anything? Me neither. CHRIS: You watch, you watch…
ANNA: Why can’t even make an Insight check? CHRIS: ‘Cuz. Reasons. CHRIS: But, Evelyn, you are paying very close attention to Waffles, who is just sort of sitting there, who just sort of lets out a little belch. CHRIS: And then…
JARED: Foul. CHRIS: But she is just sitting there. At one point she is just kind of in the sunbeam that’s coming through the window, sort of yawns, and kind of lies down a little bit. But, you know, then she sort of looks at you and looks out the window, sees the birds, and is fixated on the birds. HOLLY: Oh my god. CHRIS: For the next hour you are just, like, waiting to cast a spell on her, and you notice nothing to suggest that she has been affected. ANNA: It’s like when your dog eats, like, a chocolate cake or something and you are, like, just hovering around them.
CHRIS: Exactly. JARED: Ready to lift it and get off the carpet.
CHRIS: Exactly. Or take it to the hospital if it drops. ANNA: Right, yep.
CHRIS: Yeah. CHRIS: But she does not seem to be adversely affected by anything that she’s eaten. ANNA: Okay. HOLLY: Strix is checking every cookie in her robes, to make sure none of them are poisoned. HOLLY: Like, licking them and, like, putting them back.
CHRIS: Okay. ANNA: Licking every cookie. ANNA: Well… Well, what else did I miss? I mean, I know the basics, but I’ve been gone for a long time. You know? How’s everyone feeling? And, like, you know… JARED: Paranoid now. A little rushed. I feel like we should probably get out of here. Or… HOLLY: I want to leave. CHRIS: Certainly a lot of people know that you are here now, probably. ANNA: Why would someone want us dead? You didn’t tell me that part. JARED: I don’t know why. We didn’t do anything to anyone. HOLLY: Except for exist. I mean, we have crazy magic, an owlbear that ransacks things. HOLLY: Like… There is lots of reasons.
NATHAN: Yeah. I don’t exactly blame whoever it is. JARED: Is there any other, not necessarily a servant, but any other person that works the building, or anything, still left? Or did they all bail after the Waffles… CHRIS: The servants bailed, but as the day goes on, as early morning goes on, you do hear activity downstairs. CHRIS: And can track down who is basically a house manager.
JARED: Great. CHRIS: A person who is charged with changing the flowers and making sure every–… Yeah, all that business. JARED: Yeah, anyone I could talk to, and then can ask who do they s–… Was there anyone that they did not recognize or not know, walked through these doors at any point in time, et cetera. JARED: Just trying to gather whatever information I can.
CHRIS: The guards did not see anything untoward throughout the course of the night. CHRIS: While you were upstairs, they were standing outside, patrolling the grounds essentially. CHRIS: There aren’t that many, there are only three outside. And it is quite a large estate. And there is another three inside as well. And they did not see anything. Nobody saw anything. JARED: How well do you know every single one of your servants? Especially the ones that may work in the kitchen. CHRIS: Ah, the servants often change. The house manager will change them out periodically, but she vets everyone carefully, before allowing them in. She has personal interviews with them and such. She checks their references and no alarm bells there. JARED: What the hell. How does it even happen? JARED: I mean, it’s probably going to be on a tougher side, but what do I know about Port Nyanzaru and through either my city secrets or thieves’ cant or whatever of a potential underbelly? Or, um… CHRIS: Well, you know, based on your own personal experience, that you’ve had the run-ins with the Zhentarim in the city. JARED: Oh, fuck. CHRIS: You left the city then, with that business unfinished. JARED: Yeah.
CHRIS: They have flying snakes here. JARED: Yep, yep. Starting to remember. CHRIS: Flying snakes are also very small and can carry — JARED: Yeah they sure can, can’t they? HOLLY: I am never making cookies again. JARED: I’ll explain this to the others. CHRIS: And since the Zhentarim provide mercenaries to the merchant princes, as you were told, to basically guard caravans and things like that. And you are staying in a merchant princes’ house, it’s not beyond the pale that they found that you were here. JARED: Yep, and…
CHRIS: And they probably still know you are here. JARED: We gotta go. ANNA: Well, I don’t see any reason to stay here other than this is a real nice house, and I kind of thought maybe I could grab a bath. NATHAN: Wait, why do we need to go? Or was that all conveyed? HOLLY: Evil, evil magic people want to kill us. JARED: I will tell him about the Zhentarim and how they are after us for reasons that I am not entirely sure on, or I’ve forgotten. NATHAN: Paultin is like: “Okay.” HOLLY: Isn’t it because they wanted the ring? CHRIS: Yep. The ring of winter.
JARED: Oh, the ring of winter. That’s right. NATHAN: Oh.
HOLLY: Yeah, we kind of took that. NATHAN: Okay, so. And he is like: “Since then… We should go.” JARED: Yes. Yes, we should. I’ve got a contact, I’ll see if I can find him and see how soon we can get the heck out of here. CHRIS: Yep. So, are you leaving en masse then? HOLLY: Yes.
JARED: Yeah, everyone stay together. CHRIS: Okay. So, in a tight little group you all head out, looking in all directions.
HOLLY: Yeah, Strix is walking backwards like this. NATHAN: Eyes in every direction.
CHRIS: Yep, yep. CHRIS: Evelyn, you are still keeping an eye on Waffles, but she seems totally fine. She is ambling along beside you, like this is a wonderful day. ANNA: Cool.
CHRIS: Yeah, the warm sun beats down on you as you come outside, and Evelyn you feel that warmth of light for the first time. That heat. And you just bask in it for a moment. ANNA: I think Evelyn’s probably been pointing out, like, very — ANNA: — things and, like, expecting other people to recognize and like…
CHRIS: The flower smells and the plant smells, and she even smells that caterpillar over there, yeah. ANNA: Doesn’t this wallpaper feel amazing? And, like, you know. Doesn’t the sound of rocks under foot just make you think of happy times. HOLLY: Strix will just get closer to her and just totally bombard her with smell, every time. HOLLY: I am so happy you are happy, Evelyn! As she is, like, trying to push her away. NATHAN: Paultin is still paranoid, he is just like: “A-ha, it smells very nice. Very good.” CHRIS: All right. Diath, you lead them to this, one of the city’s major sort of attractions for visitors, and that’s the Thundering Lizard tavern and inn. JARED: Okay.
CHRIS: Where you hope to get information about a man named Laric Dashland. CHRIS: He is the fellow who said he would give a ship for a map.
JARED: Yeah. CHRIS: When you ask around for him, you are told that he is currently in the Grand Souk, and you can find him there. JARED: Oh, it’s perfect. He is still around in town.
CHRIS: He is. Yep. JARED: Excellent. CHRIS: He had some… The innkeeper doesn’t know his whole schedule, but Laric did mention that he would try to be back before evening. But you can find him now at the Souk. JARED: That’s perfect.
CHRIS: All right. CHRIS: As you lead your friends from the Thundering Lizard into the Grand Souk, which is the largest market bazaar in the city of Port Nyanzaru, I need everybody to make Perception checks, and Diath you have advantage, based on the description of this man that Diath gives you, to see whether or not you can find him in the crowd. JARED: That’s right, I was the only person who actually met him before. HOLLY: I got a seven. NATHAN: Natty twenty.
Holly / ANNA: Woah! JARED: I got eighteen. CHRIS: Very good. So, based on the description given to you, Paultin, you think you spot the man that Diath is looking for. And when you tap on Diath’s shoulder and point him out, Diath can indeed confirm that it is him. CHRIS: And you can see that currently Laric Dashlan is talking to a tortle. JARED: Aww.
HOLLY: Love them. JARED: Is it one we recognize? Or is it a different one?
CHRIS: A different one. CHRIS: This one is a little bit shorter than the last one you met. A little bit taller. CHRIS: Younger than, a lot younger than Xopa.
JARED: Yeah. CHRIS: And she is wearing red goggles on her head. Not pulled over her eyes. Just sort of pulled up above her eyes. And you can see that she has a leather harness strapped over her shell that has all these accoutrements hanging from it. CHRIS: To suggest that maybe she is some sort of explorer. She is got, like, a net on a pole. And she’s got some…
HOLLY: I love her. CHRIS: Yep. CHRIS: And some other accoutrements. And they are just having a, they are just having a casual conversation. JARED: All right, I casually approach. JARED: And then…
CHRIS: Not trying to surprise them, I assume. Just… JARED: No, no, no. Nothing like that.
CHRIS: He actually recognizes you. JARED: Oh, excellent.
CHRIS: And he just sort of waves at you. JARED: Yeah. And I make eye contact and signal the rest of the crew to kind of come with me and I’ll approach Laric. CHRIS: Yep. He is like: “Dorth? Diath, right?” JARED: Diath gets triggered. CHRIS: I am sorry. Diath. JARED: Yes! That’s right. CHRIS: Oh, and then he turns to his tortle friend and says: “We’ll talk later. This is a great opportunity and I hope you accept this commission.” And she nods. She smiles at you all and sort of turns and kind of awkwardly blends into the crowd, as best as she can. ANNA: But how does she smell? CHRIS: Uh, she smells like fresh cooked eel. JARED: Which is delicious.
ANNA: Evelyn ponders this. NATHAN: As she leaves Paultin is just like: “Bye. Have fun being liked by everybody.” CHRIS: And Laric will say: “It’s great to see you back in the city.” JARED: It’s wonderful to be back. I know it’s been some time. But, I never once forgotten my pledge to you and I want you to know that I have done exactly as you have said. CHRIS: You were able to visit Orolunga.
JARED: Yes. CHRIS: And Omu?
JARED: Yeah! CHRIS: And Nangalore? JARED: What was that last one? CHRIS: And that’s where we’ll stop for today. HOLLY: God. CHRIS: Oh my. HOLLY: The worst. CHRIS: Oh my goodness. Good to be back, folks. Good to be back. JARED: Ye-ep. CHRIS: Before we break off into our separate worlds for the rest of the week, we’ll pick up the game of course next week same bat-time, same bat-channel, but anybody have any announcements they want to share with folks? CHRIS: I believe Nate, you probably have an announcement about a certain other campaign. NATHAN: Mhm. The new D&D campaign, livestream show, whatever you want to call it, that I am producing and also playing in, “Dark & Dicey”, premieres May 14th, 7PM Pacific, right here at twitch.tv/dnd. It’s kind of an evil campaign. And the characters and players are absolutely insane. And we are really stoked on it. CHRIS: Yeah. If you haven’t seen the new opening video for it, it is on the interwebs. And check it out, it’s really sexy. NATHAN: Yeah. Twitter.com/DarkandDicey. All of the updates and stuff are there. So, go check it out. JARED: I even had Nangalore written down in my notes. HOLLY: We could play him a song, it’ll be fine. CHRIS: Just show him that smile and those pistols. It’ll be good, yeah. CHRIS: Any other affairs? ANNA: I think… I think that was announced, right? CHRIS: Are you talking about the Stream Of Many Eyes?
ANNA: Yes. Yeah. CHRIS: Yeah. It was just announced today!
ANNA: Yeah! ANNA: The Stream Of Many Eyes was announced and yours truly will be hosting it. So, I hope you all tune in, because we are going to play some games and talk D&D. HOLLY: And we are all going to be there!
CHRIS: Yes, we will all be there. CHRIS: There will be Dice, Camera, Action action a plenty. NATHAN: Mhm.
ANNA: Like, literally first live game, all together, in costume, ever. ANNA: Dun-dun-dun.
JARED: If you are in Los Angeles this is something that you can attend. CHRIS: Yes. You can be a live studio participant in this chaos. ANNA: So I am really stoked on June 1st through 3rd. CHRIS: Yep. And there’ll be lots of other groups there. If they haven’t been announced yet, they will be announced… JARED: Oh, they announced tons of them. High Rollers will be there. Sirens of the Realms will be there. JARED: Lots, just lots.
NATHAN: Dark & Dicey will also be there. CHRIS: Dark & Dicey will be there. JARED: Oh, hell yeah. ANNA: And it will all be streamed! CHRIS: Will all be streamed, and there will be many, many surprises. ANNA: My other announcement is that normally I would have my Misscliks D&D Lost Mine show right after this. But we had a player have to drop out because of travel problems. So, we are going to postpone. We’ll be back next week. But, if you want to catch up on the campaign, this gives you an extra week. So, go to YouTube.com/Misslciks and you can catch up. HOLLY: And I still have Trapped in the Birdcage on Thursdays too. CHRIS: Yep.
HOLLY: That’s where I DM. I am okay. CHRIS: And why is it called that, Holly? HOLLY: Because it’s in Sigil!
CHRIS: That’s right! HOLLY: Our favorite place to go in Dice, Camera, Action. JARED: And completely unrelated to this campaign in every way. HOLLY: Oh, no actually I did… It does tie-in. The first tie-in episode was last episode. HOLLY: And it was awesome.
CHRIS: Yep. ANNA: We met baby Strix. She said she doesn’t like sneaky people. HOLLY: It’s true.
CHRIS: Oh, wow, okay. HOLLY: Foreshadowing, it’s fine. ANNA: Yep.
CHRIS: All right. CHRIS: And, uh, there is the reddit. And, yep… JARED: Oh, yep! Spam that link!
HOLLY: Jesus. CHRIS: Get on it! JARED: There is also Waffle Talk.
CHRIS: Yes. JARED: Hosted by Powerscorerpg.
CHRIS: Mhm, yep. ANNA: And I did an AMA on the subreddit. CHRIS: That’s right. ANNA: I answered as many questions as I possibly could. CHRIS: So, is it nice to be back in the flesh, Evelyn? ANNA: Yes. It’s overwhelming. It’s, uh… There is, like, so much that she wants to talk about and understand and do. And as usual the party is like: “Okay. All right. Gotta go.” And she is like: “But I was dead, and I am human, and I don’t know!” HOLLY: I love how she didn’t know anything that happened and we were like: “Oh, yeah, that. Ooh. Oh.” JARED: Oh, yeah. That is bad, isn’t it? HOLLY: The Strahd doll was taken by the Shadar-kai. Oops. JARED: Ooh. Yeah, ooh. HOLLY: Oops. ANNA: And she never knew about the hags. That’s the first time she ever found out about any of that. JARED: Ooh, yeah.
HOLLY: Whoops. JARED: Ooh, yeah. They came in the night and… HOLLY: Evelyn is going to have some trust issues after this one. She is going to be like: “What bad shit is happening to you guys and we don’t tell her about it?” ANNA: And I had no idea she was going to come back without memory of everything that happened. So I am having to, like, retcon, reroll… re-, like, roll her back to, like, before. CHRIS: Yep. ANNA: And make sure that she is that person. So, that’s really interesting. CHRIS: Mission accomplished. ANNA: You think you are so clever! CHRIS: Death is disorienting. ANNA: It is. It is.
CHRIS: Yep. Yep. CHRIS: Okay. Well, that’s it for this week then. Everybody take care of each other. And we’ll see you next week, when Dice, Camera, Action returns next Tuesday, the 8th of May. ANNA: O-ooh. CHRIS: All right. Cheers, folks! JARED: Bye, everybody. Subtitles by @thesirren

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