D&D: Bad Dice


A giant yawning chasm splits the landscape before you and the goblin you’ve been chasing scrambles to the end of a dead tree branch that hangs out over the edge of a ravine. I swing at the Goblin with my sword. Roll for attack. (dice rolling sounds) It’s a one. You swing the sword perfectly into the goblin’s empty sheath and the sword is now his. Oh…well, I want it back. Roll to grab it It’s… another one. As you maneuver to reclaim your rightful property, you manage to step on the tree branch in just such a way that it launches the goblins sky-high and your sword goes with him. Really, that can happen? Blame the dice. And roll dexterity to see if you fall in the ravine. Hm, you do. You fall in it real hard. Ok no, this is impossible. It’s improbable. Its impenetrable. What are you trying to do? Are you trying to get inside it? (dice breaking sounds) No, weights, (-that was my- ) it must be cursed. (-That was my die-) It deserved to die. It was a traitor to it’s people. If it can’t get the job done, another one will. Ian: When I said “blame the dice,” I did not literally mean to ascribe agency to the polyhedron. This is gonna be a thing. It does not have to be a thing. It’s only a thing if you make it a thing. You planned for this? I came prepared. You try to break your fall but instead you break both arms. You somehow kick sand into your own face. The Goblin is back. He falls out of the sky, does not break both arms, and stabs you with your own sword. Your grasp of goblin-ese is so pitiful that your pleas for mercy are taken as threats against his children. Prepare to roll death saves. You’re my only hope, Tiger eye. Why would this one be any different? Cause I paid like $50 for it; it better work. Ian: You’re really not grasping this whole probability thing, are you? This goes far beyond math. There are cosmic forces at work here. Each die has an inherent level of reliability based on its past performance. Bad dice can ruin an entire collection just by proximity, so they must be cleansed; it is the way. Yeah, none of that is true. It’s all superstition and kind of a weird one, in fact. You have an equal chance to roll any number on the die and an equal chance to roll any two numbers in sequence whether that’s- (many dice rolling sounds) They’re bad dice, Ian. Yeah. No, I got it. I got my limits and these have to go. *Bad Dice Destruction Montage Music* *Hopeful Science Dice Music* (victoriously) Huh-ha. Whew. You die. Ta-da! *Living Forever by J.P. De Ovando* Thanks for watching! -R

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