Christmas Bar – SNL


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>>>I’M THINKING I WANT TO GO ICE SKATING THIS YEAR.
I HAVEN’T BEEN SINCE I WAS A KID.
>>EXCUSE ME. UM, THIS IS GOING TO SOUND
TOTALLY CRAZY, BUT DON’T I KNOW YOU FROM SOMEWHERE?
>>I DON’T THINK SO. I HAVE ACTUALLY NEVER BEEN TO
BROOKLYN. I’M VISITING.
>>IT’S JUST, I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M SAYING THIS.
I GUESS THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT YOU, YOU KNOW?
IT’S JUST LIKE, IT’S COMFORTABLE.
LIKE, A GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH AND TOMATO SOUP.
MMM.>>MY MOM USED TO MAKE THAT FOR
>>[ TOGETHER ]ME WHEN I WAS SICK.
>>YEAH, ME, TOO. I’M SORRY.
WHAT WAS YOUR NAME AGAIN?>>JESSICA.
>>JESSICA. THAT’S RIGHT.
I’M TONY. I’M NOT RICH OR NOTHING.
I JUST VOLUNTEER AT A HOME FOR THE ELDERLY.
WOULD YOU MAYBE WANT TO — TONY, DON’T DO THIS.
DO NOT DO THIS. WILL YOU MAYBE WANT TO HAVE
CHRISTMAS EVE DINNER WITH ME AND MY FAMILY?
>>CHRISTMAS EVE DINNER? WOW.
TONY, WE JUST MET. I DON’T REALLY KNOW.
>>EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME. I’M SORRY.
I NEVER INTERRUPT PEOPLE WHEN THEY’RE TALKING.
I HEARD LIKE AP AN ANGEL OR SOMETHING.
>>OH, ME?>>WOW, YEAH.
THERE IT GOES AGAIN. I’M JERRY.
I KNOW I’M NOTHING AND I JUST LOVE MY LITTLE DEAF SISTER.
WOULD YOU WANT TO HAVE DINNER WITH ME AND MY FAMILY?
>>EXCUSE ME, JERRY. IT YOU KEEP TALKING TO JESSICA
IT’S GOING TO MAKE ME WANT TO DO —
OH, DON’T SAY IT, TONY. IT’S GONNA WANNA TO MAKE ME WANT
TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS.>>OH, WOW.
I DON’T USUALLY STAND UP FOR MYSELF.
I USUALLY JUST LET GUYS WALK ALL OVER ME.
WHEN YOU DO THAT IT MAKES ME WANT TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
>>OH, NO, TONY, JERRY.>>WOW, YOU KNOW.
I USUALLY AIN’T LIKE THIS, BUT, UM, I THINK I’M GOING TO HAVE TO
STAB YOU.>>OH!
NO. I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M SAYING THIS
RIGHT NOW, BUT THAT REALLY HURT. NOW I’M LIKE, BLEEDING.
DON’T SAY IT, JERRY. DO NOT SAY IT.
BUT I’M REALLY BLEEDING.>>HEY, GUYS.
I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M DOING THIS RIGHT NOW.
I’M USUALLY REALLY SHY. BUT I GUESS I’M THE BOUNCER.
THIS IS STUPID. BUT I’VE GOT TO RESTRAIN YOU
RIGHT NOW.>>OKAY.
>>HEY, FELLOWS. I KNOW IT’S NONE OF MY BUSINESS,
I MEAN I NORMALLY WOULDN’T SPEAK UP AT A TIME LIKE THIS.
BUT I JUST CALLED 911. THEY CAN’T BELIEVE THAT THEY’RE
SAYING THIS. DON’T SAY THIS.
THEY’RE GOING TO BE HERE VERY SOON.
>>WHY ARE YOU BEING SHY? THIS MAN WAS JUST STABBED.
>>HEY, JESSICA. I KNOW I’M NOTHING SPECIAL, BUT
YOUR EYES SPARKLE LIKE THE MOONLIGHT.
>>HANG ON A SECOND. I’M JUST A SIMPLE GUY, BUT MY
GUT SAYS HE’S NOT RIGHT FOR YOU.>>YEAH, OBVIOUSLY.
[ SIREN ]>>ARE YOU OKAY?
>>OH, I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M GONNA ASK THIS.
IS THIS THE VICTIM YOU CALLED ABOUT?
>>YES.>>IT IS.
>>OKAY. AND OH, THIS IS TOTALLY INSANE.
WHY YOU DOING THIS, TRACY? BUT WE’RE GOING TO PUMP YOU WITH
10 CCs OF A CLOTTING AGENT.>>STAY STRONG, JERRY.
>>MISS JESSICA THIS MIGHT NOT BE THE MOST OPPORTUNE TIME.
IF YOU JUST GIVE ME ONE CHANCE I THINK YOU WILL FIND I’M A PRETTY
FUN GUY.>>OF COURSE YOU ARE, JERRY.
>>I SHOULDN’T BE INTERRUPTING BUT I THINK WE’RE LOSING HIM.
>>NOBODY ASKED ME, OR NOTHING, BUT I JUST SAW A LIGHT AND I
REALLY JUST WANT TO WALK TOWARDS IT.
>>THIS IS GOD. AND I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M ASKING
YOU THIS, BUT DO YOU WANT TO JOIN ME IN ETERNITY OR
SOMETHING?>>OH, MY GOD.
I CAN’T BELIEVE WHAT I’M HEARING, BUT, YEAH, I WOULD LIKE
THAT VERY MUCH.>>JERRY!
>>I FEEL SO SELF-CONSCIOUS. I CAN’T HELP WONDERING IF THIS
WHOLE THING WAS ALL MY FAULT.>>OF COURSE IT WAS.
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